Everyone, I'd like you to meet 6-year old Emma....
Despite my insistence that she smoke and drink bourbon at each meal, her growth has not been stunted. She is a big ball of might this girl. She will quickly and easily tell you that she knows everything and will become a flaming monster of pissed off if you counter her. She is at once both fiercely confident and heart breakingly fragile. She's forging her path in this world and gaining strength in each step she takes. As her mom, I try so very hard to let her walk a step ahead of me, proud of her accomplishments, at finding her voice. But MAN OH MAN there's this other side that just wants to scoop her up and carry her, to protect her from all the terrible and hurtful moments that growing up will serve to her on a platter. Do you realize some guy, some idiot kid will break her heart one day, shattering it into a million pieces? Some bitchy, poorly parented girl will belittle her and take a small piece of her self esteem for herself and and there's nothing I can do to save her from that? That's a HONKING bitter pill to take! I try to remind myself that with all the bad there is just as much beauty, and maybe, just maybe if I do my job right right she will be drawn to that beauty and it will overshadow some of the hurt.....ok, let's be honest here, the first dude who breaks her heart will be picking his balls out of his teeth.
She started kindergarten this year. Several people, which may or may not have included my husband, eyed me up and down as if I may at any second become hysterical and lock Emma in her room with some goldfish and a giant watering tube. I really thought I had it together, I was all cool and collected and "pfft, NO I'm perfectly fine. this is so exciting for her" and then all but lost my ever loving shit the first day. She was sitting at her little table in her little chair and it was so a CLASSROOM and....turning and walking out that door all but ripped my heart out. I didn't let her see me though, I barely escaped in time with a "Mommy's gotta go, I love you sweetie". It should be noted I was the last parent in the classroom to leave. They're lucky somebody didn't have to drag me out of there while screaming MAH BABY, MAH SWEET BABY!
Speaking of embarrassing my child (and you knew I would) all the kindergartners meet in the library before school where they line up and go back to their classroom with their teacher. I would walk her in and wait while she got lined up and went back. But now, NOW, nononono she does not want me waiting. It's apparently uncool, I'm uncool..... "Just drop me off and leave mom", "you can go now mom", "GOD MOM JUST GO". Oh OUCH! I make sure to say loud and proud "ALRIGHTY HONEY, I LOVE YOU, KISSES BABY, I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT!" as she tries to melt into the carpeting. Next year I'm going to drop her off with curlers in my hair. Mommy wins!
She will tell you that Justin Bieber is her One True Love. We have his toothbrush People, it plays Baby. I've caught her playing her Barbie guitar and singing to his poster in her room and I'm telling you, if that's not love I don't know what is. I mean, I admit I was skeeved OUT at first because, really? Bieber? But then in a rare moment of clarity I had visions of my childhood bedroom, the sun shinning bright through the curtains as I laid on my canopied bed listening to this, over and over and over.....
.... the Shaun Cassidy 'Da Doo Run Run' album. Sweet Jesus on Toast I was in LOVE. Stared HARD at that album cover for many, many hours. He was so cute and ..... well....slightly effeminate if we're being honest.
Ohhhh I get it.... he's her Shaun. Gotcha. Sing away my little squirrel. He's lucky to have you.
While we're on the topic of childhood crushes, one can not continue without....
Oh Andy, Andy, Andy...you are not forgotten. Your chest hairs still shine bright.
Remember how I used to talk about Emma's twirling? She still does it...
Untitled from stephanie v on Vimeo.