On New Year's Day while Emma and I were on the couch, she arose from her nestled coziness to ask, "Mama, will my China mommy come and try to take me away?" And right there, my heart shattered into a million little tiny shards. Not because of the question, but because of the look in her eyes, the true concern and fear I saw. All those things you read and hear and talk about raced through my mind, "...talk from a place of love, don't victimize, don't create drama, don't talk above their level of comprehension"... So I smiled at her and said very matter-of-fact, "No Honey. Your Daddy and I will never let anyone take you away. Together we will be a family for as long as we live. It will never happen". And this brief response seemed to appease her. I, however, began internally preparing for what I knew was coming, what I've known was coming since day one. Emma has begun to process her adoption.

We have approached her adoption, both before getting her and after bringing her home, with great pride and love. We have always tried to make the word and act itself a cause for celebration. I've never freaked out when people have been curious about our family. I've never whispered or placed a feeling of taboo on the word itself. Adoption has been the greatest gift ever bestowed upon us. Without it, we wouldn't have a family, it's as simple as that. So we've tried to always make it something special, to give it the respect it deserves and to teach Ems that families come in all shapes and sizes and forms. From the time she was a little baby I've told her that adopting her was the best thing that's ever happened to us.  That I am soooooo lucky to have her as my daughter....over and over and over. Usually at bedtime when we're doing our evening cuddles and we oogle at each other.  Inevitably, even though this has been a nightly ritual for years now, crying a little as I look into her big, glorious eyes.

I would be lying if I said I wasn't a little ... well, I'm not even sure of the emotion. Scared? Maybe, I don't want to mess it up. I'm keenly aware of how large this information is and how important it is for her to be able to take it all in and process it in a healthy manner.  Sadness? Yeah probably that too. Vulnerable maybe? While I am pretty sure we're doing everything we can to help her, I know that on some level, even if it's not now, there will be pain involved for her and that there won't be much I can do to soften the impact of that journey.

And yet, there is also a part of me that is so amazed and impressed with how this is unfolding. The human psyche...it's truly miraculous. It's astounding to me.

A week or so after The Question, Emma approached Mark with her Barbie's (I still hate them but they were gifts) and began to explain a complex game she wanted to play.  She would be the mommy in China and Mark would be the mommy here and the China mommy would try to take away Baby Emma.  A rip roaring Barbie fight would ensue with many "No, she's my baby!" flying around. Mark in all his goofiness played it like a pro, with love and compassion, never victim or villian. He knew exactly what she was doing and didn't miss a beat.

About two weeks ago she began a new "game" (and that's what she calls it). She'll crawl to one of us like a baby and say "I'm a baby in China. I have no home or a mommy and daddy" and she will act scared and timid. We respond with great hoopla while scooping her up and going on and on about wanting to be her mommy and daddy and can we take her home? We have so many toys and clothes for a little girl! There's a great big doggy to protect her and a kitty she can chase and oh please?! Can we be your mommy and daddy?! And she loves it and laughs and giggles and throws her arms around us.

That analogy I occasionally talk about, that having a child is like having someone scrape off your skin leaving you exposed and vulnerable, nerves raw as they forge ahead of you.  Yeah, it's kinda like that, except with the mantra of "Oh please god do not let me fuck this up" because I know we've only just begun.

Comments

[Beverly]

That is great that she is processing this. G has had some great questions herself. Funny when I have tried to discuss G's own adoption processing with some local A-moms (just descriptive term here) I get accused of putting thoughts in her mind (even from my own family) about adoption etc saying their daughters never talk about it or think about it. Let's hope you don't get those accusations. I think they are honest questions from children trying to make sense of their life.

Keep up the great discussions, reassurings and parenting of your child!

[Michelle]

It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job so far. I can't speak to the issues regarding adopting a child of a different race(and I don't think this post was aimed at that particular issue either), but I can speak from the perspective of an adopted child. My parents told me that my birthmother loved us(me and my twin sister) but that she couldn't care for us and they were so lucky that she chose them to be our mom and dad. I felt incredibly lucky growing up. Not lucky in a my-parents-saved-me kind of way. But lucky in a lot of people loved me kind of way, and wasn't it cool that I had another "mom" out there somewhere thinking about me. I use the word "mom" loosely, because my parents are the only parents I do/will ever have. I think of my birthmom fondly. I don't relate to the angry adoptees at all. I understand their points of view but I don't relate. Adoption was(and is) a wonderful thing to me. I think about finding my birth family often, and it's the one thing I will grieve for my child, since it is likely she won't have that choice. I commend you for allowing Emma to work through her identity issues in her own way. As supportive as my parents were about letting me know how loved I was, sometimes their fear kept them from allowing us to ask all of the questions we wanted. I found out after my Mom died that she was terrified I would look for my birthmother and love her more than I did her. That seems a ridiculous thing to fear to me, but I understand the place that fear came from. Maybe that is one of the reasons I resist looking for my birth family. Even though she's been gone for 13 years I don't want to hurt her memory or my family.

[Jenny]

that is amazing.

We are just starting to introduce it, although the girls know we adopted them from vietnam and took 5 flights etc. etc..they haven't made the connection of the mommy thing yet.

but I really wish we were where you are, that's incredible.

[joann in nj]

Steph,
I am exactly where you are emotionally. I know Kelsey hasn't put it together yet...BUT it's coming...we play "born in your tummy" quite often and she's pops out from under my shirt and I exclaim how beautiful she is..

And I totally agree with you about the sisterhood. Feminism is all about CHOICE...whatever you want to do with this life, its your right to go for it. Whether it's becoming President of the US or a supermodel. My girlie IS girlie and I am raising her to be a nice person...and she takes dance and wants to be a vet to help sick animals...and if she gets there, she'll do it in a pink smock....and I'll be cheering every step of the way.

I'm an older Mom (I'm almost 50) and no youngun' can say that what I fought for in the 70's and 80's in college didn't count..because it did. I'm a successful businesswoman who chose to be a Mom and loved her time as a SAHM because I got to experience my daughter in a way I've never been able to before. That's a choice and very powerful.

Sorry to hijack your comments, but I completely adore you!

[Julie P]

Wow - I've been a lurker for a while, but if I may oh s--t! My daughter is 3 - I keep waiting for the questions and the processing and I wait with fear and hope. I so feel your mixed emotions on this - thank-you for putting it into words so eloquently. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job letting Emma process as she needs to.

[maggie]

My two daughters are adopted domestically and for the life of me i dont know how to get started with this. I sometimes mention it but i get no response or understanding and i dont want to blow it up out of proportion. The older one is 3.5 - any idea how I get started on this?

[Stephanie V]

Hi Maggie, I tried to email you but it bounced back. I hope you get this!

There is a wonderful, positive book out there titled "Talking to Young Children about Adoption" by Mary Watkins. Unlike so many adoption parenting books, it's positive and loving and chock full of research countering the trend of a couple years back that your adopted child is doooooooooooooomed.

[maggie]

thank you stephanie - i know i cant get into that email address cuz i forgot the password and i am too lazy to try to find it. i will find that book cuz i am really at a loss -- btw, your daughter is too cute and you have a great blog - i am glad you started writing again!

[Spacemom]

Wow, it sounds like you are taking her fears and reassuring her that they won't happen. That is a great step! The fact that you stay calm while she asks will help too!

Hang in there... I still think boyfriends are going to be scarier than anything else!

[Cavatica]

Wow, what a process. Amazing, wonderful, terrifying.