Emma-Bug

Life Lesson's from Stephanie....

There will always be a nose picker, both metaphorically and literally. Carry Purel.

Do you feel the anxiety emanating off the wee one? Despite singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer between 5 and 8,382,431 times each day, when the big moment arrived - claimed up like a wooden Pinocchio. This is probably due to:

1. "GOOD GOD EVERYONE IS LOOKING AT ME! WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME!"
2. "I'm unsure if you're aware of this given you have the camera attached to your face, but Santa appears to be RIGHT THERE!"
3. "The kid next to me is eating his boogers"
4. "This exercise reeks of bourgeois adolescents and frankly I feel I'm above the mediocrity."

She asked for Hello Kitty stickers.  Actually her exact words were "A LOT of Hello Kitty stickers". Shhhhh, don't tell her...her daddy's going to make Santa look good!

Jiminy PEOPLE! The child is sucking my soul right from my eyeballs today. The defiance and will and back talking...seriously if it wasn't happening to me I'd be proud of the spunk I was beholding. Since it is, I am contemplating what sort of social ramifications having her vocal cords removed would hold. Oh sure, gasp if you want, you'd be thinking the same thing if you were dealing with the Mighty Pissiness/Have A Kitten Every Time She Doesn't Get Her Way Princess  (right now, at this very second, she is in the next room screaming "WHAT? YOU'RE JUST GOING TO LEAVE ME HERE IN MY ROOM BY MYSELF, TO SLEEP, BY MYSELF?").  

Have you seen Tinkerbell? If you have you're familiar with the arms crossed, shoulders shrugged "HUMPH" maneuver. Emma's picked that up! I'm going to mail her to Disney to show those fucktard animators what's rubbing off on the kids....

Speaking of Tinkerbell, what's up with the VAVAVAVOOM shot? The one that starts at the feet and slowly works its way up the body, pausing ever so slightly at the hips and boobs? I keep looking for the money shot with the WAY too short dress. You don't see the rest of the fairies in Pixy Hollow bellying up to 'Ho'.  I just don't think I should be thinking LABIA while watching a cartoon about a fairy is what I'm saying.

WAY TO SCREW UP ONE OF MY FAVORITE CHILDHOOD CHARACTERS DISNEY!

This is where you should feel kinda sorry for Mark, he gets the pleasantness of me disecting children's television often. I'm sorry, it sucks, there's some really bad stuff out there! But yes, you should feel bad for him. I understand I'm a bit opinionated....

So, you know, I'm attempting this good mother thing (stop with the snorting!), and part of that for me means that I'd like Emma to learn appreciation for gifts, especially those things that are made for her by hand. It was something that was deeply instilled in me as a child and I'd like to share that with her. So this year instead of schlepping ourselves down to the store to buy gifts for classmates and parties, we're making them. Not a small order when you remember she's four and has the attention span of a gnat on espresso after a line of coke. We have two events, the holiday class party and the A Group of Us Are Banning the CovenFCC Christmas Party Snoozefest and Having Our Own Gathering (not at my house!!). Total it's about 25 gifts that need to be made (please refer to gnat reference) so it has to be quick and easy and yet still pretty cool. I have chosen Magic Reindeer Food for the Non-FCC Party (we're supposed to bring something to put in a stocking) and here's where I could use your help....

Imagine you're a 4-6 year old, would you prefer:

1. Snowman Soup, or
2. Smores

Also, if you haven't read Southern Plate, you really must. She is awesome and sweet and her recipes kick southern ass.

OH YEAH! The snow! There was stunning lack of, as in none, zip, nadda. Not a single flake. There's a lot of bread in freezers right now.

Look, I feel I need to get something off my chest...

I too have been having an affair with The Tiger.

I'd like to apologize to my family for my indiscretions. What can I say, weasely men wearing bad fashion and sporting over whitened chicklet veneers do it for me.

Hmm.

There is a prediction out there (hello Weather Channel, don't you look lovely today) that it will snow in San Antonio tomorrow.  This little tidbit of anomaly may very well be the end of polite society here in the South. People are losing their minds and you would think we're all hunkering down for some major catastrophe. The shelves of our local grocery are bare, there is nary a loaf of bread to be found, and they're driving their big and completely unnecessarily large off-road vehicles (seriously, if one more douche bag in a Hummer goes over a speed bump at .1 miles an hour, I will ram my wee and shitty Stratus right up their overpriced ass) down the highways at Mad Max style speeds. Repent People, the END IS NEAR and the antichrist is upon us in the form of small, white flakes! Sure, forget that it was 80 degrees last weekend so the ground isn't even remotely close to freezing or that on the strange, bizarre chance it does stick that it will melt by 9a because the temperature will rise to about 45, just go on with your batshit crazy ways, why bring logic into it now? 

WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE, GET YOUR BUTTERCRUST BREAD BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!!

There paranoid San Antonio People, feel better?

On to the boring and mundane but for some unexplainable reason I feel it necessary to share with the two remaining people who read this blog..................

This will come as a shock so brace your internet selves: I have broken up with my neighbor. Basically it culminated at a dinner where the girls were playing and putting their arms around each other to hug and doing general little girl goofing around stuff when all of a sudden 'C' up and starts doing her whine/tattle thing again only,....and this is so RIDICULOUSLY ridiculous I have a hard time writing it...

C:  Mommy, Emma touched my breast.

Neighbor:  It's ok

C:  Mommy, SHE TOUCHED MY BREAST

Me:  -------!

C:  Emma touched my breast!

Me:  Sweetie, you guys were playing right? Hugging? There was no threat from Emma.

Emma:  [Looking confused and wondering if she's in trouble]

Me to Emma:  It's ok Ems, you didn't do anything wrong

Me to Neighbor:  Are you kidding me?

Neighbor:  I think it's important she tell me when someone touches her

Me to Neighbor:  Ok, but there's a bit of distinction here don't you think?

Aaaaaand fade to black because YOU'VE BECOME A FREAK and you're TURNING YOUR KID INTO A FREAK.

To say I was annoyed and a little creeped out would be a gross understatement. 

So, for reasons that really had nothing to do with the above, 'C' is in a daycare at a church for 3 hours a day (because CLEARLY she doesn't need the social skills) and we moved Emma into a far better, non-sick-every-two-weeks-school. And that's that. Neither one of us has bothered texting or reaching out to the other and I am A-OK with that. There will be those events with mutual friends but whatever, I've had enough.

Still makes me sputter and spew when I think about it. First casualty of friendship over different parenting styles I suppose, but was I wrong, did this not strike you as absurd?

Anyway...

Guess who got her ears pierced? No really, GUESS?!

(Thanksgiving lunch at school)

She had been asking for earrings for the longest time and we kept warning her it would hurt but she was determined, she has a mighty will folks.  It was all very traumatic for about 3 minutes then she couldn't keep her eyes off her badass self.  

(seriously, dudes, that's a kid up there. MY kid. Still wigs me out.) 

(what? you don't fashion your kid's hair into palm trees?) 

So I am theeeeeeeese close to joining a gym. Me. I only hesitate because I am the worlds laziest person but let's be honest here Peeps, apparently that extra 30 pounds I put on because of Lexapro and Depoprovera and Doritos, it would appear, isn't just water weight. Also, I am old. And sedentary. Suck. And I really don't like my body this way. And food, I like food. So this is a major dilemma for me. Lazy AND vain. Do ya'll work out? Run? How are you motivating yourself? Were results pretty quick? Can I become a slackass again once results are achieved?

(this is my general thought on the state of my current body) 

Alrighty, don't forget, send bread, there's a chance we here in SA won't make it through tomorrow night. There's snow coming if you haven't heard. I need the stress carbs. Don't judge me.