Emma-Bug

Ya'll, this will put me firmly in the 'not cool kid' category, but I am not on Facebook. Honestly, and yes I do know there will be a certain amount of mocking concerning this, I'm not entirely sure what Facebook is. I mean I'm assuming it's in the realm of MySpace, but when I think of MySpace I think of sparkling unicorns, unbelievably bad homegrown poetry and 15-year girls typing things along the line of "JUDY N CHRIS, BFF4EVER!". Also, let's not forget about the pedophiles.

...and just like that I manage to alienate an entire cross section of the nice people who actually come here to listen to my ramblings.  You're welcome. 

What are you guys seeing because now? I'm a little freaked out.

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So my last post, yeah...

(and that's where we shall leave it because....embarrassing!)

In the perfect world where I have piles of money and time and possibly a pharmacist with compromising integrity, I'd be Angelina. I would have the Benetton family of snarky kids. But life sometimes doesn't offer you what you desire and more often than not, it's the path you are meant to take. Even if it is at times painful. I am immensely, totally, completely privileged and humbled to raise my girl. If she's to be my only child, man, I am one incredibly lucky woman.

Speaking of Sassy the Wee (you're impressed with my segue, yes?), she had her birthday party last Saturday. There were a lot of people in my house and I was incredibly twitchie because ....there were a lot of people in my house.

Why is it you notice how dusty and generally mopey your house is right before 17,000 people walk in. Bugs are getting stuck in the dust on the mini blinds, the front door is inexplicably filthy, whatthefuckisthatonthefloor?...I'm just gonna say it, my house cleaning skills clearly suck ass. Not like anyone really saw the homemaking horrors given this nugget of nightmare was in the backyard, towering over every rooftop in the neighborhood...

People that is a 35 foot tall Dora the Explorer moon bounce. If ever there was a sign of the coming apocalypse, surely this would be it. Sweet Christ on a cracker that is WRONG.
 

But oh man, the girl's head very nearly exploded and she only begrudgingly got out of the thing to break the Dora pinata...

(which we filled wrong not realizing there were two sections. So when the girls pulled the strings and opened the bottom nothing came out because the candy was all crammed in her head. When we realized what happened I may or may not have turned to the group of mothers next to me and said "Don't look at Dora, we're going to rip her head off". ) (You should totally come to our next party! I can traumatize your children too!)

...and for some cake. It was instant love between them and we'll be talking about Bouncy Dora for many, many, many, many months to come.

And there will be more pictures coming, just as soon as I can get home to the camera that is sitting on the table that was supposed to remind me to pick up and bring with me, which I didn't because I didn't have nearly the quantity of coffee needed to remember anything above my normal morning routine. Hey, Dexter started at 11:00p, I had to watch it.  

In the meantime, I have to ask all of you wise people - how do you handle gifts? Emma rips into them without really seeing or acknowledging them and I swear to god it's almost like watching static curtain her eyes. I know its partially her age and we've had the talk that when someone goes out of there way to give you a gift, you don't act like an ass, but it hasn't really sunk in. She doesn't care about what she gets, she doesn't get excited past the first gift and getting her to say thank you is a chore (where in normal day-to-day activities she says please and thank you ALWAYS). It's almost as if she gets overwhelmed with all the shit being presented to her and she just...turns off, except the perception it gives is one of diva child and spoiled and I hate it.  I'm unsure what to do? It's so out of character for her that it leaves me a little stunned. Should I limit the amount she opens? How do I enforce manners when it comes to accepting gifts? All advice would be appreciated for we are frustrated and unsure what to do?

For posterity I'd like to mention that on the suck-o-meter of life, this year has ranked astronomically high. Between the car transmission that went out, the pipe that burst under our house, the air conditioning going out....twice!, the pay cuts, the illness, the illness, the illness. I am walking on egg shells waiting for something to explode or possibly burst spontaneously into flames.  Suck.

And....gah. Those pictures of Katherine Heigl and her sweet little girl has sent me into a fit of woe and teary eyes. I want. Again. Even though its illogical and ....ILLOGICAL, that draw to an unknown little girl is still there. And I think SPECIAL NEEDS!  the wait is shorter, we have good insurance! We're kick ass parents, we could do it! And then I think of how old we would be when our figurative little one is 18 and that makes me more depressed.

Everytime I think I've come to a place of peace about this, something happens and I get all emotional and twisted again.

It doesn't ever really go away does it?

Long ago I came to the conclusion that in life I will probably always be deemed the mean girl. Well, ok, maybe not MEAN but certainly not of the hive. Generally I'm a hermit with little to know tolerance of the public at large. I loath bullshitters, want to slap the game players and generally have no patience to play those stupid, frivolous grown-up games adults in society deem to be relevant. Mainly because I don't think they are relevant.  You know, 'cause they're not. Maybe the term is "realist" or maybe it is "bitch", whatever, it is who I am and I'm pretty cozy with it. I own it. I may ever strive to be Hunter Thompson's gonzo 'fuck you' at some point.

Then that motherhood thing happened and with it all the damn inner questioning...

You know, I love my daughter with every molecule in my body. I once heard that motherhood was like scrapping off your skin to form a little being and your left shaking and shivering, raw in the corner as they walk ahead of you, finding their path. I like that analogy, it's freakishly accurate. And I struggle every day, every single day, to find a balance. Not so much between work and home, that settles into a nice flow with occasional waves. No, I mean exposure. How much to protect them from and what lessons, and at what age, are to be taught. Oh, and the hope that you don't fuck them up for a lifetime. My philosophy since even before she came into our lives, was that we would raise her in the big picture. That the goal was to nurture a stable, unique, centered woman. Child yes, of course, but that's fleeting and short lived. Big picture. But as my bonds with this child who may not be of my DNA, but is so twisted and ingrained into every fiber of my being grew, the instinct to protect and shelter her fiercly grew because the world, it is sucky in so many ways. So the struggle, the wrestling of ideology and instinct and intuition, are at times a cage match. The point being I waffle between my general 'piss off' attitude and the dance of being a 'mommy'.

For example....I refused to invite the whole of Emma's class to her and K's birthday party. And I'm still holding firm to this one. When I told my neighbor, she was appalled, gasped aloud, said it was a school rule that if you invited some, you had to invite all. And I snorted and laughed heartily because SERIOUSLY? The PRESCHOOL is going to tell me who I can and cannot invite to my daughter's birthday party, which is not on school grounds or being held during school hours and which they are not sponsoring? Oh no, no, no.

Now it's not the concept I have an issue with, I get that the possibility of feelings being impacted by the ones who aren't invited. Really, I get that. But.....what of it? I mean at what point does this all or nothing concept go by the wayside anyway? Another 2 years, maybe? There will be a time, certainly, in the not so distant future where selection of friends and not friends, is not in the parental discretionary cards. It's the weird concept that at this age, they're all buddy and friends and certainly no opinions have been formed on personalities and who is liked or disliked based on well, the same shit all friendships are based on, compatibility, and that's RIDICULOUS! I went down the class list asking after each name "is she/he your friend" and there were definitely loud and boisterous 'NO's next to several.

To be fair I thought of ...what if Emma weren't invited to someone's birthday party and her feelings were hurt?  Well, it would suck and we would have to deal with those feelings and talk through it. I mean that is life, right? There will always be someone who doesn't invite you to the party. Sooner or later, every parent has to deal with it and we need to give our children the tools to cope with disappointment. And if not now, when? Because it WILL happen. I don't ever want my daughter to be hurt, but wrapping her in bubble wrap is also not going to help her.

Honestly, I equate it to the 'every kid gets a trophy' syndrome. Equalizing all kids because they're 3 or 4 or 5, whether they get along or not, whether they perform or not, whether they're friends out not, is wrong. It teaches nothing. When I watch the class from a distance, spying to watch Emma play, it's clear there are already cliques - right or wrong. It's clear there are bullies and criers and the trouble makers and the drama queens, they're all there in miniature form. Those feelings that the different cliques hold are there too. Yeah it sucks we're not all love-peace-and-rainbows, but we're not. Even at 4 opinions have been formed and I respect Emma doesn't like or want to be friends with all the kids in her class. 

So I will deliver the invitations to those who we want to come, discreetly because I'm not a monster, and the school - and neighbor (this will be the LAST joint party godasmywitness - oh the stories!) can suck it.

Not of the hive my friends. Big picture. Piss off school.