I've thought long and hard about what I wanted to write about our one year anniversary.
Long. And. Hard.
Long.
Seriously, I've been thinking about this for months.
What I've come up with boils down to this...a single line from a Rolling Stones song.
"You can't always get what you want; but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
I know some of you out there just mentally gasped at this, somehow taking it as offensive. Maybe conjuring in your minds the whole "second best" debate?
Oh please!
Years ago, long before Emma, long before my gimpy ovaries revealed themselves as the selfish, self-destructive bastards they were/are, I thought my family would begin just like any other nuclear family: I would pee on a stick and see a line. And allow me to toot my horn by saying I am an expert pee'er. I can pee with the best of them in fact, I have wise learn-ed pee, thank you. But alas my pee generated no lines despite my urination expertise. At the time "God this sucks" doesn't quite put the appropriate weight on the situation. There was much depression and hostility and really? How long can you travel that road before it consumes you? Well let me tell you, a really fucking long time, that's how long. Sadist-like, even. I wanted to get pregnant, I wanted my body to work like a normal woman's, it wasn't from lack of "want". It just wasn't meant to be and it's as simple as that. The Universe in her infinite wisdom had other plans for me. It would have been nice had she shared those plans with me prior to all the depression and hostility, but you know? Beggars can't be choosers.
So we turned to adoption to begin our family.
Not second best, not any less spectacular and miraculous as birth, just different.
And anyone who says adoption is the easy way should be slapped immediately and with as much force as possible. We suffer, and we suffer for yeeeeaaaaars.
So I suffered. And lost my mind. I wrote open letters to the CCAA and my agency on this here blog chastising them for their continued silence and perpetuated intimidation tactics. I don't believe you could say I handled the waiting elegantly. I was sure something would go terribly awry - why wouldn't it? - so I lived months and months on end waiting for the axe to drop.
But then, at 6:30p on the night of June 22, 2006 I got an email with the subject line "Jie-Jie" and as I opened the pictures and they loaded on my computer my hands shot up to my mouth and I gasped as I saw my daughter for the first time.
Look at those monkey toes! Munchable I tell you.
And in a flash of paperwork and packing, ridiculously long flights and more airports than I ever care to see again, a wee little girl with impossibly soft skin and a tuft of hair that stood straight up was placed in my arms. It was the most profound moment of my life.
And yet I'm sure it was nothing more than an elaborate dream.
This girl, this wonderful, quirky, goofy girl is nothing less than an extension of me and of Mark. She is part of us and we both agree, it seems strange to think of her as adopted. She's simply our girl, whom we love more than...well, anything in this world. Anything. And we need her like we need food and water and shelter...we need her to live. She is everything.
Looking back there is only one regret and that is simply that we didn't do this sooner. Of course then we wouldn't have Emma...and even writing that - no. She was meant for us, we believe that. Everything worked out the way it was meant to. There is divine perfection in our family and we are so grateful.
One year later and we are sure she has always been with us.
One year later and I have finally let go of ever having clean floors again.
One year later and we now understand the meaning of unconditional, all consuming love for a child.
One year later and I am whole again. The pain of the past left behind me, my face turned towards the sun.
"You can't always get what you want; but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need."
