Damn, I forgot to mention bunnies

Ten months ago (ok, ten and a HALF months ago) in China the little girl who became our daughter rejected me. When she looked at me, she would close her eyes and wince as if she was in pain. She couldn't look at me. She mourned her caregivers so deeply it broke our hearts every single night. It was so difficult...and we were so scared, more than I could ever express in words here. Looking back I think a part of me turned inward, as a form of protection. Because no matter how prepared you think you are, you aren't. At least I wasn't. I mean sure I knew it could happen but experiencing it was something totally different. To know the mere site of you could cause so much pain, that's something beyond emotional; that's something that effects your soul.

When we brought her home, while she seemed to be relaxed, it took a great amount of work to make her smile and she was terribly quiet. She seemed to be going along for the ride, but wasn't truly engaged. And she had this terrible rocking thing she did at night...self soothing. If it hadn't been for Allison talking me down, I'm not sure how I would have handled it.  As the months passed she slowly came to open up to me, but it was obvious she didn't fully trusted me yet. It really wasn't until she became so terribly ill with RSV in January that things began to change. I think it was during that time that she finally realized I was going to take care of her, no matter what. She began to look at me differently, seek me out more. But we were still a long way off from having a nurturing relationship. I consider those three days we spent alone together the most therapeutic days we've ever had. It forced both of us to face to each other, and to a certain extent our fears.

About about 4 months ago she stopped pushing me away when I held her and I started to let myself just be with her, to let myself become vulnerable; to become fully and completely emotionally vested in her.

It's very difficult for me to say that. To think a part of me wasn't fully vested, that I resorted to a self protection mechanism with my own daughter. And if you had asked me during that time I would have told you I was completely attached to her, it's only in hindsight that I see I too was going through a difficult change. So many people think of what the children go through but so few think of their own often painful changes, or at least talk about them.

I never tried to push Emma to bond with me, but then again I never let her stray too far away from me either. For months and months she and I have performed a very delicate and complicated dance. Everything would seem to be going smoothly than something would happen and it would be like I hit a brick wall and the apparency of the distance between us would hit me like a truck. I spent more than one night crying on Mark's shoulder that she didn't love me.

I often wonder what exactly happened in those first 10 months of her life to make her so emotionally distant towards me? Was her distrust due to her being bonded and taken away from a caregiver? Had she been loved? I mean I think she was, at least based on what we've been told. Of course no one really knows do they? She had a life before us and it certainly helped shape her little personality, and yet we won't ever know. Sometimes, that thought breaks me down and becomes so weighty, so large I feel as if I'm being smothered. As my bonding to her has progressed I've found it more and more difficult to look at those pictures of her in the orphanage. Her face is so familiar, but her expressions, they haunt me.

This is the story I tell, more or less, when people ask me about Emma's adoption. That it was hard, that there is a void in her life that no matter how much I want to, I will never be able to fill in for her. That for us, it took a great deal of time and work - for both her and me - to become a family. It was worth every second, I would do it again in a heartbeat, but it has been the most emotionally difficult thing I have ever done, for so many reasons.

I know that so many of us have had difficulties bonding to our children; and some have fallen into it with hardly a stumble. We are unique creatures and I apologize if my previous post insinuated bio parents had it easy. I know better than that. It's just there are unique circumstances surrounding the adoption of older children and the complications, whether they're small or large, are often not thought of at all by people who aren't exposed to it day in and day out. 

I see my story as a positive thing, that ultimately the road we embarked upon was less taken, but it made all the difference in the end (to somewhat kinda quote Frost). We are a family now. There is more love than I thought could possibly be experienced by a single person and sometimes, when you tell your story and you see that horror, it makes you angry because you've worked HARD and what you see in their eyes is judgment.  Or perceived judgment.

Y'all gave me pause and I think so many of you were right, that people prefer not to hear to gory, difficult bits. And certainly I don't say any of this to scare anyone, it's the exact opposite. I want every adoption to succeed, I just want people to go into it with their eyes wide open because MAN motherhood is nothing like I thought it would be and yet it is so much more than I could have possibly ever imagined. It's so worth it... and more. It's amazing.

Last night my daughter turned to me and said "love you mommy" and puckered up those sweet little lips for a kiss. And I cried. And asked if she wanted mommy to buy her a car, because at that moment I totally would have.

My daughter told me she loved me. God the perspective those simple words gave me, my girl can throw me for a loop!

Comments

[Jo]

Beautiful post. Coincidentally, I have been talking just this week about the shifts and changes that we go through as adoptive parents. We're not machines, this is the hugest emotional change we'll probably ever have. We have adult resources with which to deal, but it can be hard. And somehow, our incredible children lead the way. I agree 100%...it is so much more than you can imagine. Thanks. Lovely. Just like that girl of yours.

[cindy]

Thank you for this post. I have been reading your blog for a long time and have always learned alot from your posts. We just received a referral and although we feel ecstatic there is still that nervous feeling, wondering if everything will go ok over there. Thank you for sharing your story.

[Beverly]

A very good and true post. Attachment comes after a series of bonding experiences. This can happen in days or weeks or months or years. Glenys and I have been working almost two years on it. Sometimes the individual child's personality hinders quick attachment and sometimes it is just the situation. I think intoverted children by nature along with their previous experiences will have a more difficult time due to trust issues and an unwillingness to open up.

Anyway in the end it is worth it more than words can describe or anyone person can prepare.

[walternatives]

It's official. I love you, too. Yep. Truly, I love Your Truth. And I am so very grateful that you are brave and strong, sharing your experiences so that those of us waiting to meet our children can benefit. I'm terrifically proud of you. I'm proud to be a teensy part of EB's journey, too. Those three words you heard last night? You've earned them; it's your Mommy crown.

[Jacquie]

Wow, and to think that an unsolicitate kiss sent me for a loop. Can't imagine what those little words will do.

[Perrin]

What a beautiful post. What a beautiful progression. That one is a keeper for your lovely little girl who has obviously come a long way.

[lisa]

ok so you pulled me in with the title, how could I resist, then you told this unraveling (or was it being woven back together?) post.

I was filled with happiness for you that your relationship has come so far from where it once was, and then...

and then...

Then you made me laugh with that short line about the car. So what are you going to do for her 16th birthday if you're already offering a car?

Save up, get a second and third job... you're going to need it to pay for all those gifts!

[Alison & Mali]

Amen, my friend. Motherhood is certainly not for the weak. The actual bonding/attachment process is so difficult to explain to the unsuspecting.

With Mali & I, it was more a dance of power struggles & bounderies. She'd become precocious in an attempt to manipulate me. It took about 6 months for me to learn to 'read' her & then another few months to teach her that the manipulation was unecessary. She's 100% genuine at (nearly) 3 years old now.

To this day, hearing 'I yub you, Mom' still reduces me to tears, especially when she whispers it.

Hoping that someday (b4 I'm 50) China opens back up to singles b/c I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.

[new girl]

Have been reading forever, commented only very rarely (I am the person, if you remember, that you linked to recently through Mad Race for Macey who recently received a referral for a tiny baby boy from Taiwan).

Anyway, gosh, your reality is your reality, and your way of telling your story is your way. I imagine most people here have been here awhile and don't expect or want you to avoid the difficult stuff -- in fact, most seem to embrace it. I know I do.

I'm in the middle of 20 Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Parents Knew. Avoided it like the plague for a year, but now I think it's great. And it's saying what you are -- loss and grief are at the center of adoption, and unless you embrace it and walk through it with your child, you cannot fully parent them. It's not saying it's hopeless or all adoptees will forever be at sea with anger and fear, but rather, we can help our children negotiate that sea. Sure, some do have it easier -- there is a continuum in everything, but even those kids/families experience grief/loss/anger now and then.

[Jenny]

You know perspective always changes things. Things were rough in the beginning for us. Very very rough x2. And these kind of posts really remind you of how hard we work, how hard we worked and how it was worth it even though it might have or was the hardest most wonderful thing we have ever ever embarked upon.

We only missed 5.5 months but Mia was in shock for 2 full months. Cams pretended everything was normal for 4. And me, well I think I really realized they were my kids when we had them christened at 5 months home. And still now at 7 months home my girls have a hard time being very snuggly and look for us and need alot more than the average kid. And that breaks me but now I think it is just their personalities more than anything, they don't snuggle together so that makes it easier.

So, those moments, that you speak of, the kiss the affection are soo meaningful. And thanks for the moving post.