A really bad couple of days

Everything has been going so well lately that I kind of forgot, you know? I forgot about everything I've read about adoption and post-institutionalized children. I mean things were grand, her school was wonderful, she seemed to be forming a strong bond to both of us, I just didn't think about it. Except when things sort of go to shit, and your guard is down, it doesn't matter how rational their behavior is given the circumstances, all you know is it hurts. Realizing that your child doesn't truly love you, at least not as a mother, and that all you are is a caregiver, one of many, well that kind of slaps you across the face when you think things are going so well.

Especially when you love her so much.

When you think of her as your one and only daughter.

I don't know what's happened but for some reason, Emma has regressed. She's holding her arms straight out to her sides when I carry her again - like she did in China when she was afraid to touch me. And the self-soothing, the violent rocking side to side before falling asleep, we haven't seen that in months. Until last night. And she won't let me comfort her, she fights me - kicking and hitting.

I don't know what to do.

I'm completely discouraged.

And while I know it's irrational, my heart is breaking.

Comments

[PinkPoppies]

I am sorry to hear that. I know it's not the same but I remember when my child, achieved after many years of trying, would flail away and clock me while I was trying to nurse. It was such a shock after all we had done to get there to be rejected. The only thing that helped was to not take it personally otherwise I was a basket of tears. The only thing I can suggest is that you go back through the last couple of days and see what's changed or what might have triggered the feelings of loss and fear -- a new food, a change in smell, new sound. Big hugs though because it's hard dealing with hidden scars and unknown memories. Pink

[Beverly Moore]

I felt that Glenys saw me as her caregiver until Christmas. She didn't acknowledge me as mama until really recently actually. Maybe it would help to find out if something changed at school like a teacher or a new student? It does hurt when your child rejects you. I totally understand and don't beat yourself up for it!!! It will come with time. In the meantime limit anyone else handling her except you and dad when not necessary.

Beverly & Glenys

[Johnny]

Chin up. The will rise next week.

[kris]

Let your heart break with hers... she will remember (on some level, just like she does her trauma before you came) that you were with her through all of this, and ultimately that will strengthen the bond that is already forming. If she didn't trust you, she wouldn't be able to act out her emotions this way. Hang in there. You will both heal, that's the power of love.
Kris

[Amanda]

I don't know what to say to make it better, but will say this...I have been right where you are. We have been home just over a year, and Sofie only referred to me as Mama, and acknowledged me as such, in October. It hurt like hell, and was hard to take. Please just remember that it will resolve, and love her even if she seems to not accept it.

I know that you are already doing this, and wish that I could help.

Take care.

[Lauri]

I can really relate... it gets better. I think they call that the honeymoon period. Try not to take it personally ( i know easier said than done)

[shelby]

My son also rocks and has gone thru periods of regression since we have been home (since 8/2/06). My advice is to try to hold her while she rocks no matter how much she fights it and even rock with her. Sawyer would lie on my stomach in a sitting position on the bed, I woudl wrap my arms around him and we would both rock. It took about 30-40 minutes but he started to relax into me and now it is part of how i comfort him. My ped. (specializes in int'l adopted kids) says that unless it is so violent they will get hurt sometiumes it is ok to let them rock to comfort themselves. Also - and I am first time mom so I didnt know this - kids regress before taking big step forward...food for thought. Good luck - you are a great mom!

[Sparky]

I don't have any words of wisdom. I just wanted you to know I'm out here sending good thoughts and wishes your way.

[Alison]

The most difficult thing about attachment & bonding is that they both take time.

Don't take it personal . . . her regression (I'm sure!) is not a reflection of inadequate skills on your part. The reasons for the regression may not even be important right now, there may not be a real reason for it. It happens - but it does hurt either way.

Mali arrived with a big bag of orphanage behaviors (more than I cared to mention on the blog). When we came home, she 'unpacked'. She used to rock - violently. It tore my heart out to watch. She hasn't done it in a long time. I used to run in & attempt to intervene with an alternative (ME comforting her). If it was time to wake up, I'd obviously pick her up & go from there. If it was time to sleep I'd rub/pat her back, her stomach, etc in an attempt to show her I was there to soothe her. There isn't any one thing that works for other kids. There is no quick fix.

Hang in there. All this tough stuff just makes looking back on her growth, changes & development that much more rewarding.

[Karen]

Steph, Maya has also done this--regressed all of a sudden to where I cannot hold her, she growls when she screams if I come near, my touch is like fire, etc. It's frightening and incredibly demoralizing. But every time that Maya has done this, and we've gotten through it together, she's emerged on the other side even more attached, it seems. Recently we went through a bad period--a few days' worth--and now she is all over me, hugging my legs wherever I go and not letting me walk, etc. I'm expecting another bad period will come soon enough. Just love your daughter through it and I bet she will be even more All About You when it's over--which it will be. You're doing a wonderful job. This is so tough, and this post hit me because this happens a lot for me. It's like night and day sometimes.

xoxoxo