I've been reading the attachment and bonding books - which I looooaaaaath. I understand the "prepare for the worst and pray for the best" scenario but dudes, these books are more than bleek and depressing they suck the spirit right out of you. I've also found they're at times contradictory or they'll identify an issue, give several examples of "real life" family situations, but then give nothing in the way of solution. It's like they're basically saying "if you experience this, Wow! Sucks. To. Be. You.".
Anywoo my question, what are your thoughts on having a family bed?
My first instinct is NO WAY, but she's not home yet and I have no idea what I'm doing so, you know? Could happen. But how do you transition them to their own bed eventually? Plus, and umm yeah, what about sex? Our original thought was we'd put her crib in our room and then slowly move it outside of the room and eventually upstairs.
If the books are consistent on any one thing it would be this topic; the bonding benefits are supposed to be great. What are your thoughts? Did you or are you planning on having a family bed?
First, this Essss, EEeeee, Exxxxx you are talking about. What is that, again?
Second, blah-blah-blah, to each their own, blah-blah-blah, but we did pretty much what you are thinking about.
Have you practiced not freaking out when she's crying because:
1) you've put her in the crib
2) you've closed the door between the bedroom and you
3) you've moved her into her own room
4) you've closed the door between her own room and "you"
And you're right, you can find a book telling you how good a family bed is and those that didn't grow up with a family bed, end up robbing banks because they miss the group interaction.
Then, you'll find the other book that says that those who share a family bed get screwed up and end up being polygamist.
Bank robbing polygamist though....that would be different.
Posted by: Johnny | April 27, 2006 at 11:08 AM
I have three kids, this adoption makes baby #4. I have NEVER had my kids in our bed. If they were sick or needed me I stayed in their room with them. It is much easier to transition them in ONE room than to first have her transition to coming home in your bed/bedroom and then to have to transition her to her own room. Its a personal preference, some swear by the family bed. It wasnt even a consideration for us. To this day no one is allowed in my bed except my husband!
Posted by: Sheryl | April 27, 2006 at 11:13 AM
Our son was used to sleeping with his foster mom in Korea, but when he came home he wanted no part of sleeping with us. We tried but he thought our bed was a very fun jungle gym, and after several nights of having our heads stepped on we gave up. We did try putting his crib in our room, but he wouldn't sleep. When we finally gave up and put him in his crib in his own room he slept through the night. Every child is different, just as every parent is different...you just have to try it and see how it works, then adjust as needed.
But do practice not freaking out, as Johnny said. That's really the hardest part of all!
Posted by: Sara | April 27, 2006 at 11:47 AM
With our girls we were very strict and they were not allowed into our bed. Now, years later they are very secure in going to sleep on their own and in their own beds. My son on the other hand is still insecure. I allowed him to sleep in our bed periodically and it wasnt good for him. He's 8 and still has a problem going to sleep on his own and in his own bed! Its frustrating but its my own doing. Im sure it works for some people but it wasnt for us.
Posted by: dani | April 27, 2006 at 02:15 PM
We do not have a family bed. That was one thing I stuck to my guns about when we had Josh, and i'm glad we did. I've heard nightmare stories. My brother and SIL still do it and their children are 10 and 4. Not my cup of tea.
Since our dd will likely have slept near other children in ther cribs before we get her, I'm prepared as much as I can be for what may be a difficult transition for her. We already have a small bed next to the crib in her nursery so I can stay in there as long as she needs me for adjustment. I strongly believe that in the end, it will be easier to adjust her to her crib by me staying there beside her for x amount of time than to go from orphanage - our bed - her crib.
To each their own though. :)
Ashley
Posted by: ashley | April 27, 2006 at 02:37 PM
Sex? Your sex days are going to be SO over.
My kids always had their own beds. They learn to self-soothe, and it keeps Mom & Dad sane.
Posted by: Holly | April 27, 2006 at 04:28 PM
I have had two totally different experiences with bonding, but one piece of assvice...toss all attachment books. The experts always leave out the fact...kids want to bond and the vast majority do. Ok, now for the family bed:
Daughter 1- Went to her own bed, slept through the night, never had an issue from day 1...I thought family bed advocates were nuts.
Daughter 2- Screamed 5 times a night for 8 months straight. I kept thinking...surely, she will figure out this whole self-soothing thing if I'm just patient. When in a sleep deprived haze I put her in my bed, she slept through the night without an issue.
The compromise: Daughter 2 goes down in her own bed, but comes into our room if there is trouble. Nine months after our new "open bed" philosphy...every one is sleeping. And she is only in our bed 3 or 4 times a week and it's steadily improving. Go figure.
I say, trust your instincts. Children want to bond, and those attachment books are just friggin' scary, because they don't offer real solutions, they just make sure you know the potential problem.
Posted by: One Lucky Mom | April 27, 2006 at 06:01 PM
What is this word, sex? I do not know what this means. Is this something new?
I also read the books. Tootie wanted noooo part of sleeping with us until about 9 months after we were home. I was surprised at how much *I* needed to sleep with her for my bonding. It did wonders for our relationship.
Each kid is different. Tootie slept with us then only if she woke up at night. She sleeps in her own bed at night but if she takes a nap we sleep together.
Posted by: rungirlrun | April 27, 2006 at 06:33 PM
You'll be fine, its not one of those things you can really plan ahead for. I think its just a case of being flexiable (or is it flexible neither one looks right) your daughter will let you know what she needs. Trust me if she needs to sleep with you, you won't care what all the "family bed naysayers" are bleating on about. Equally, if she sleeps best in her crib in her own room then you know what she'll bond one hell of a lot quicker if she is getting some good sleep at night.
We were open to whatever worked for our daughter and (currently) that has turned out to be sleeping in her crib in her own room. Sometimes I MAKE her take a nap with me cos I NEED it.
p.s I know the attachment books can be a bit depressing to read but I think rare is the child that has all the issues they describe and I do think being well informed helps you to not take things personally when your daughter has to find her way to loving you back.
Posted by: Debberoo | April 27, 2006 at 07:15 PM
Hey steph,
We don't have a kid currently, but I've been thinking about family bed vs. sleep in crib myself when we do become a bigger family. I think I intend to lean towards the responses that encourage you to go with the flow -- your daughter will let you know what she needs, and you will better know how you and hubby feel when you're all together. I asked my mom about how she and dad dealt with our sleeping needs, and apparently all three of us were different. Older sister slept in crib alone until I was born, then needed to be in bed with all of us. I apparently thrived with the family bed. When baby bro was born, he apparently didn't need or want to co-sleep for very long.
I also haven't read any attachment books yet. Which do you recommend?
e
Posted by: Erin O' | April 27, 2006 at 08:43 PM