Today I hit an all time embarrassment low, I completely lost my shit during a meet and greet at our neighbors house. Our neighbors who are so sweet and excited for us wanted us to meet a relative who has twice adopted from China. Thier most recent daughter coming home this past January. So there I am shaking hands and "yes it is very exciting" and "thank you so much" and then there they are. Two little girls, one three and the youngest a year old. We talked about their wait (they were expedited) and their province (Hunan) and diapers and formula and then she called her little ones name and you know what it was? It was Emma, first step into lose-it-ville. Then Emma handed me a piece of candy and smiled this big two toothy grin and I just lost it. I started crying and I couldn't control myself. It was horrible and I had to excuse myself to run back to my house so I could cry and not freak out the nice neighbors. So it's official, I can't even see the babies anymore without becoming a basket case. Just when I think I'm at a good place and "everything will happen in it's own time" I'm bitch-slapped by reality.
I wish I wouldn't have gone over because I can't seem to stop crying now.
Oh no sweetie.
I am sorry. Loosing it in front of people just sucks.
it just sucks.
Posted by: Jenny | April 16, 2006 at 01:11 PM
Yes, I know this. I lost my shit in the grocery store yesterday over a woman who was about four months pregnant. And on a recent trip, I couldn't stop staring at a family with a Chinese girl, so much that I looked crazy. I'm so sorry, Steph--all I can say is that I know what you are feeling.
Did you get my email? I emailed you a bit ago. I miss you.
Posted by: Karen | April 16, 2006 at 01:52 PM
Sorry about what happened. But if I was sitting there (and here I am sitting in front of my computer screen imagining the scene), I see the depth of your desire for your daughter.
To me, nothing to be embarassed about at all. To me, something to remember in about a year and hug your daughter even tighter.
Posted by: Johnny | April 16, 2006 at 02:27 PM
I know it sounds trite, but we feel your pain all too well. We will be skipping this month's FCC meeting because it's getting to be too damn hard to see all the little ones and we've got to start pulling back some to save our emotions for hopefully bigger and better things to come.
Posted by: Tony&Jen | April 16, 2006 at 03:06 PM
cry, it's ok. It's gonna happen, you are that much more human because you can cry. Some days, no matter what you do, the tears will come.
We all understand.
lisa
Posted by: lisa | April 16, 2006 at 04:36 PM
Stephanie,
Don't be too hard on yourself about today. I get how this wait can leave you totally heartbroken at times. Your entitled to a good cry now and then. Very soon your Emma is going to be in your arms filling up that empty space that aches so much right now. Oh man, how I hope it's sooner than you think!
Posted by: shelly | April 16, 2006 at 04:36 PM
I'm with you lady. I cry too.
I'm hoping things get better soon.
Posted by: Journeywoman | April 16, 2006 at 04:46 PM
Oh, ouch. The silver lining is your neighbor's relatives probably understood perfectly.
I work with a woman who is fostering an 8-year old boy who reminds me so much of my kiddo. When he's at the office I just fawn over him. But I cry every single time he leaves.
Posted by: Margaret | April 16, 2006 at 06:08 PM
It's just all gonna' be OK, repeat after me, "it's gonna' be okay."
This coming from a walking medicine cabinet.
And, who hid all the icecream. Where'd all the Girl Scout Cookies go?
Oh, check. I'm not really hungry nor am I able to cry anymore because I'm NUMBING myself with a combination of pharmaceuticals & vitamins.
And W I D E awake.
Posted by: Kimmy | April 16, 2006 at 07:03 PM
Oh, I don't have anything to say that might make it better. I am just sorry it is so hard right now.
Posted by: AmericanFamily | April 17, 2006 at 07:48 AM