Behold, an 8 paragraph run-on sentence

Look, we're suffering, we're bitter, we're afraid and the laundry list of "we're(s)" just keeps going, right off into the horizon. Every time we turn around we're slapped with yet another doomsday scenario and our optimism....what optimism?

I've read your comments, several times, and you know what? It was completely irresponsible of me to post what The Agency told me and I apologize if I caused any further anxiety. You have to remember that I really nailed her to the floor. She was not getting off the phone with me until I had my answers and you should know this is what I do for a living, I abstract information and I'm really good at it. The thing is, and if I didn't express this clearly shame on me, the cold hard reality of it is - they don't really know anymore than we do. All of these things they tell us, it's regurgitated information that's been given to them. I used to really despise my Agency because I thought they were withholding important information from me. I no longer think that's the case at all, they simply don't have any information. Everything they say is speculation because information sharing from China, if there ever was information sharing, has been altered somehow. Everything your agencies are saying to you is what they truly believe is fact based on past history and current trends. Unfortunately we're in some sort of cyclone where policies are being changed and it's seriously wonkifying the standard.

Let me ask you this, and believe me when I say I'm also asking these same questions of myself, when you chose to enter China's adoption program what were the reasons? And let's narrow down the scope a bit, forget the "I was drawn to China" and such because my guess is we all felt that way. For me, it came down to about three things:

• Health of the children
• Stable program
• Consistency

I think we'd all agree the health of the children, both emotionally and physically has gotten better over the years. I truly believe the foster parents and nannies love and care for these children. It's testament are the thousands of well adjusted kids. Rarely if ever do you hear about fetal alcohol syndrome or drugs and while there are cases of associative disorders and bonding issues, I think as the years have progressed those cases have become fewer and fewer. The children without question are taken care of.

The stability of the program.... To me it seems somethings changed within China. It may simply be they have a new director who hasn't been in office for a year yet and doesn't know the ropes, has no previous history to rely on, or he could be a complete dufus, who knows? I don't think it's any one thing though, I think it's a combination of things swirling together creating a vortex of suck. China has specifically said they are not closing the program and if it weren't for the drama of the last 6 months or so, we wouldn't dream of questioning what they're saying. But because there has been month after month of disappointment we immediately put up the bullshit-o-meter, you know? I mean it's human nature, it's like I was saying to Johnny, "no information leads to speculative information" and I can only speak for myself, but left to my own twisted and dark imagination, I will come to the worst possible conclusion. I will create scenarios that would only happen in nightmares. I equate it to years of disappointment, after a while it's just where you go by instinct. Ahhhh the sweet smell of pessimism. What I can say with all certainty is the program has never shut down, not even temporarily. Dudes they caught our spy plane, our spy plane! and didn't shut down the program. They've been through disease, political tensions and bullying and yet still, the program has remained open. We, I, have to keep repeating that to myself. They. Have. Never. Closed. Down. The. Program. How many other IA programs can say that? I don't think any can. Guatemala, the Eastern European countries, Korea, Vietnam, Ethiopia - they've all closed their adoption doors for one reason or another. China has always remained the benchmark.

Consistency. Well you can't argue this one, consistency is still there 100%. Every month referrals come in, it may not be as many as we want, but they do come in.

The simple fact is we want our children, like NOW. Believe me I think all the time had I stayed on the original time line I would be home with my daughter and in my last month of family leave, but it wasn't meant to be, not yet and I don't know why and I listen to all these stupid bullshit rumors and I freak out and cry and I worry and I'm terrified and you know what? It's because I have no control - over any of it. My future, my child, they are all in the hands of someone I don't know half way across the world. There's been a rift in the system and I'm freaking over it, because I have no information of WHY there's a rift. The reasons as well as the solutions could be so simple, minor even, but without something that holds logic that something small becomes GINORMOUS, it's the nature of the human game, we're vulnerable creatures.

I guess what I really want to say here is before you do something like switch countries, wait a little bit. This current trend is not the new standard. I know it's frustrating and I know you're scared, I'm scared too but there's a reason why we've chosen this path, give it a chance, at least wait until they finish with July - the last of the honker months. It's too soon to see a big picture.

Comments

[Jacquie]

Ok, first of all, I laughed out loud when you said "at least wait until they finish July." Is she kidding me? July? That will be, oh, who the hell knows when?

Second of all, can I quote you on the "vortex of suck?" Love it.

Third of all, right when I was ready to join the freaked out masses, you, my friend, have to go and get all sane on me. Thank you. (And I think I can speak for my husband as well who would thank you if he could.) I mean really, I'm getting ready to go for my spa day and I seriously needed to chill the fuck out. If I could, I'd give you a big wet kiss on the lips. Instead, this will have to suffice.

Smooch.

[Johnny]

I wonder if it's kosher to continue an email conversation on a blog comment section? Look, if you're going to switch countries based on someone's blog comments, you need to stop and think about why you chose China in the first place. Maybe it was "I am guaranteed a child after 9 months of waiting". If so, who you going to go to now?

If you chose China because there were no "well, the fee in China has changed since you signed the contract, we will need you to wire $2K from America before we hand the child over to you" then have you read ANY blogs that show anything has changed in their reliability ONCE YOU GET TO A REFERRAL?

In fact, I find the opposite is true. We've seen instances where directors are offering "replacement referrals" on the spot because they feel the children are too sick to be adopted (it's no one's fault they got pnuemonia between the referral time and your Metcha day).

Did anyone think that when the 9 month referrals dipped down to 6 months it was going to be permanent?

Life ain't fair and it ain't guaranteed.

(sorry I had to use your soapbox Stephanie)

[Spacemom]

YOu have GOT to copyright the "vortex of suck"

Sigh...

[shelly]

I'm the queen of the run-on sentence. I was feeling so terrible last night, after a day of sucko rumors. I go from being convinced that the China program is about to slam shut to accepting that the wait is just that..a wait, more time - not a sign that the sky is falling. I totally agree with your assessment about the lack of information, and what it does to us pessimists. This is absolutley the biggest test of patience I've ever had. I'm a control freak, so this is a hard place for me. Your post reminded me of things I needed to remind myself. I chose China for a reason - and I have no information to make me doubt my choice of programs.

[Shelli]

Personally, I wasn't considering "switching" countries. We all chose China for our own personal, and I am sure SOME very similar reasons. DH and I intended to adopt a year or so after A - from China. I believe looking at another country as an option for our second adoption makes sense. The outlook on lengthening wait times to 18 months, and realistically closer to 2 years, is disappointing. The possibility of SNs being the children available only to IAers... leads to more questions. Flame me if you must. I, for one, requested a healthy child. I understand that there are no guarantees in the health of any child. But, I think a majority of us have requested a healthy child and know what we personally can handle. I think it is very easy to "take the high road" if you are close to referral or expecting an expedited referral. However, those of us that are newly LID or paperchasing have many unknowns and are not quite sure what to expect. I do know that many of the rumors from previous months, have become fact. I choose to keep my options open for the future!

[Jenny]

We are basically doing exactly what you mentioned Steph. We are going to sait until June/July see how things are progressing and move in a direction then.

Our agency said they see it being 12/13/14 months max. Our agency director basically said we can switch, it will be a hassle but we can do it and the paperwork won't be anything like China.

The thing is this. We choose china for a million reasons. one being cost, one being length of time to referral, blah blah. I didn't expect it to be simple. I didn't expect it to be easy. I didn't expect it to be with in the time frame we were given. I always expected a longer wait. But when it becomes reality it is hard to just take it and move forward. It is the whole pessimist thing like you mentioned and being terrified of being hurt again. Oh more than terrified of being hurt.

[Tracy E.]

Shelly - I also choose to keep my options open for a future adoption, too. We are with a China-only agency this time around, and we are definitely in this for the long haul, and I do know our first child is in China. But my options will be open for child #2.

[Kimmy]

We're in for the long haul. We never even researched or considered other countries. Something about crack whores or something in other countries. Yes, feel free to strike that from the record.

Anyway, The Dean and I just looked at each other way back in December of 2004 and said, "Hey, what about adopting from China?"

Aside from the one-child policy and all the other obvious reasons, most which you all have stated here, we didn't have any real mythical reason for selecting China. We just did.

The on-going joke between Dean and I is that we'll go to HoHot, or the farthest Province and orphanage possible. We now secretly hope to travel to a northern Province thinking it will be much cooler up there in the summer heat.

So, there you go. Straight up.

And, dammit, where's my salt covered martini, Steph'?????