Emma-Bug

High Anxiety. Mel Brooks Would Be Proud.

So what you're saying, in a nutshell, is that I really can't plan for anything until wee-Bug is home? Well damn! That completely throws a wrench in my plan-making plan. I am Stephanie, super calafragalistic expee-aladocious anal retentive girl, remember? No plan? I have to go with the flow? What? Hunh?That's an aneurysm waiting to happen People.

You realize what this means, right? It insinuates some sort of "maternal instinct" will be necessary. To date I don't believe said maternal instincts are a part of my DNA pattern. I am challenged in the maternal skills department.

You see I'm not particularly fond of children. I'm assuming I will love my own or I wouldn't be putting myself through this very unique torture, but in general I find children to be ewwww, so I've never really hung around them much. Sure I did some babysitting as a youngster but it was older kids, kids who were established in the fine art of walking and bathroom activities, they were able to say "excuse me ma'am, would it be a terrible inconvenience for you to make me some dinner?" No guessing required.

To say I am a smidge worried about this lacking of, shall we say mommy-ness, would be a gross understatement. I am downright scared to the core- keep me up at night- anxiety attack- "what the hell am I doing?" scared. Compassion and empathy can only take you so far in the baby game. There will be a time when feeding, diaper changing and playing will have to occur and I understand cocktails before play time is in poor taste.

There have been times in this limbo period where I have seriously questioned my decision. Occasionally I'll have flashes of my future life and whether these flashes are good or bad, they frighten me. My life, my life with my sweet husband will never be the same after Bug enters our lives. It's the ultimate leap of faith; travel to a foreign country and be handed a child who is a stranger to you. Take this child and raise her as your own, love and protect her. Promise that you will always be there for her, teach her and guide her. But most importantly, be patient with her and yourself. Scary stuff. And I see the big picture in this, that ultimately my job will be to raise an emotionally and spiritually strong woman, confident in who she is. A woman who is not afraid, much unlike her mother.

Her mother. I will be her mother. Weird.

Part of the reason I think I've been on this hell-bent for knowledge kick is because I've always taken a great amount of comfort in information. If something frightened or worried me, research it! Learn as much as you can because it's only the unknown that's scary. It's only now dawning on me that no matter how much I read, regardless of the topic I become fluent in, it's all unknown and it always will be unknown. I will never be perfect at this mothering thing. I will not know what's going to come next. There is really no way to prepare myself for what's about to happen. That's a big pill to swallow for someone like me. I'm actually jealous of those waiting families who feel nothing but excitement and anticipation. I wonder how they do that?

Oh yeah, they go with the flow.

But raising her is only part of the worry. What about my marriage? We are still truly happy with each other after 20 years. I imagine we're a lot like other people who adopt, we're hoping that this little girl will enrich our lives. Yet I can't help but worry it will jeopardize my wonderful life with Mark, although I have no basis for this worry. It is what we want after all, a child, a daughter. I know, it's another you're going to have to go with the flow scenarios. Is nothing in this process absolute?

Somehow, and maybe as the time grows closer, or maybe when I see her picture, I must shed this anxiety. I don't want to be an anxious parent. I want to be a comfortable, maternal instinct mommy.

Are you sure there aren't any instructions anywhere?

Opinions for the Crazy Adoption Lady Please

I've been reading the attachment and bonding books - which I looooaaaaath. I understand the "prepare for the worst and pray for the best" scenario but dudes, these books are more than bleek and depressing they suck the spirit right out of you. I've also found they're at times contradictory or they'll identify an issue, give several examples of "real life" family situations, but then give nothing in the way of solution. It's like they're basically saying "if you experience this, Wow!  Sucks. To. Be. You.".

Anywoo my question, what are your thoughts on having a family bed?

My first instinct is NO WAY, but she's not home yet and I have no idea what I'm doing so, you know? Could happen. But how do you transition them to their own bed eventually? Plus, and umm yeah, what about sex? Our original thought was we'd put her crib in our room and then slowly move it outside of  the room and eventually upstairs.

If the books are consistent on any one thing it would be this topic; the bonding benefits are supposed to be great. What are your thoughts? Did you or are you planning on having a family bed?

What? You talking to me?

So, basically, we're all enjoying our adoption experiences thus far, right? Good to know.

Gah!

I really do wish there was something I could say that would lighten the load a bit but umm, I'm right there with you. As a matter of fact I believe I will be a nutcase until she's is in my arms, inside of my house then perhaps I will exhale. At this point I would say I've sustained a fair amount of brain damage due to non-exhalation for the last 10 months. Unfortunately what remains of my brain are a few scattered functioning cells which are highly annoyed at the world.

Which leads me into my rant about RQ. My new goal is to not read RQ, at all - under any circumstances. Not so much because of the rumors per se, it's like I told Colleen earlier this week, the people? They leave some really asinine comments and I feel for some inexplicable reason a sense of duty to jump their shit in a somewhat argumentative and very bitch-like manner. Is it necessary to point my little finger and screech via type "YOU'RE WRONG."  And does that behavior make me the female equivalent of Terry from APC? I believe so and when I think about that, well I throw up a little bit in my mouth.

You see, this isn't me. I mean parts are, but for the most part - not me. I used to be a much kinder and gentler me. Now I would say I've become quite the Miss Pissy-pants. Things annoy me that wouldn't have even registered a couple of months ago. Like I was reading a blog of another a-parent and she has this, God I don't even know what to call it?? This ladybug obsession, except it's not even like the normal "starter" a-parent obsession it's like EVERYTHING is ladybug, the clothes she buys for her daughter, the nursery decor and OH MY GOD even this, this THING, this red and black THING in her office. It so distraught me that even now I can't fully talk about it.

But you see? This woman has nothing to do with me. She doesn't even know me and here I am getting all hostile about a collection she feels somehow connects her to her daughter in China, she's taking comfort in them, it's her talisman and I'm going to be the world's largest dick about it. Who am I to judge her? I mean if someone ever just popped over and read random entries on my blog, can you imagine? Surely they would think to themselves "and they're giving this woman a child?" and sadly, I would have to agree with them.

And then the other day on RQ some asshat left that State Department quote about China being sensitive with a vague insinuation that RQ could be causing harm. Now all of us at one time or another have gone through the freak of OH MY GOD ARE THEY WATCHING THE BOARDS, ARE THEY READING THE BLOGS?? And me personally having had this experience you would think I would conjure up some compassion and you know what my response was? I called him/her paranoid and said "Big Brother's not watching." Nothing soothing there. Yep, ass right here baby!

Soon I'll be whacking old ladies in the knees and ripping wings off butterflies. Perhaps I will kill a homeless person just to watch him die.

If memory serves this state I'm in right now? Not exactly a Buddhist mind. Perhaps some gentle yoga and meditation would be in order?

Or, there's always APC. I could always stir shit up on APC...

Howdy Y'all

Quick question here, doesn't this just blow? Be honest.

For me I have no one to blame but myself. My brain kept saying "no, no foolish girl" but my heart held out hope, swooning at the mental image of me snuggling with my wee one. Stupid heart. So now I am officially 14 days away, yes boys and girls that's two weeks from my referral date. The $15 thousand dollar question now is how long can the CCAA drag this out, and will my daughter be 10 when I get her? Two weeks! Ha! it would be almost comical if it weren't so tragic and soul crushing.

So after a smidge of xanax and wine (the dinner of champions by the way) I'm feeling okey dokey. Food is for wussies People, unless what you're eating is produced by Pepperidge Farms, I think there's a Federal caveat for Pepperidge Farms.

The sad and somewhat Greek tragedy of this 14 day scenario is that I'm soooo close there's not a chance in all hell I can distance myself now. Will it come next month, the month after? Will Stephanie pull every single hair out of her head one single strand at a time? Stay tuned for the climactic ending. I'm sure to be batshit crazy again in ohhhhhhh, I'd say about 3 weeks.

The reason for this BWI (blogging while under the influence) is my concerns have turned to you. Some of my favorite friends have LID's in July/August/September and I'm worried about you. How are you taking this? Well, you know? Other than the "WHAT THE HELL" factor of it. So please tell me what you're thinking. Is there anything I can do? Send Pepperidge Farms? A wee bit of Xanax? Seriously, I want to know.

And if you're concerned about saying "you know", I'll start it...

Dear CCAA:

Mother of God People, WHAT THE HELL? I know you have babies in those orphanages, don't even try to convince me thousands and thousands of people are adopting little girls domestically. We may be dumb Americans but even we know that's a whopping load of crap. Explanation please?

Blah! with a threat of violence

So it's official, the CCAA updated it's website and it says they've completed referrals for those families before June 6th. Do you suppose that means the 6th isn't included? In other words did they process 3 or 4 days (not including the weekend of course)? In any case, there you have it another month where they didn't even complete an entire week. Oh happy day!

I give. They've won. I'm throwing my hands in the air and calling "uncle". It's not going to happen in 12 months. I have 15 more days until they get to my LID and I think at best I can expect my referral in July. I hate to be dismal, but I don't see a shift in time frames. To be frank at this point I'm hoping I get a referral.

And if one more Dewdrop Girl asks me if in 20 years I want to remember this time as unhappy and angst ridden and I should be honored and happy, Buddhist or not, pacifist or not, I will come unglued and beat the ever living crap out of them. Let it be written, let it be so.

June 6th Rumor

La la la la plugging my ears with my fingers la la la la.

Spain sucks la la la la.

Crunching the Numbers and Watching My IQ Drop Rapidly

So if I use the spreadsheet The Agency sent and count how many referrals need to come in before they get to my LID, the number is 65. If I were to include my LID date the number goes up to 98, but I would be in that batch as long as they didn't split an LID date which OH MY GOD I shouldn't even release that into the Universe [knocks on wood]. If I have 21 days left before they get to my LID and they're still saying 12 months at the latest, they keep saying that, "12 months at the latest" then the CCAA would have to do a minimum of 7 days a month, including this month, but then what about the rest of June aren't they in the 12 month wait too? Karen's in that batch and we've been planning to meet up at the White Swan and laugh about how crazy we've been, and then I look at that stupid spreadsheet and according to The Agency the people who are DTC on the 17th with an LID of the 28th are the last LIDs for the month even though there's the 29th and 30th which they're saying is in July but that doesn't seem fair to the people with late June LIDs, late June is still June not July do you know what I mean? And it just seems wrong. Let's say they do 7 days this month, that would mean at least 32.6 referrals would have to come in and that just seems like a lot given past statistics but that's how many would have to come in and how do you have a .6 referral? And really if we're talking about the rest of June there's 119 referrals and 30 days which means the CCAA would have to send 10 days and 39.6 referrals and the news? It's keeps getting more depressing every time I hit the "=" sign and there's no way, just no way they're going to be able to handle it especially since the rumor is only 4 days and what if they do that every month, 4-5 days? Then that would mean at least 4 more months of waiting, 6 months before travel and that's cruel dudes, that's just cruel and unusual punishment because that means what? 15 months after LID and 17 months to travel when it was supposed to be 6 months after LID and 8 months to travel? That's almost a year of delays and it's wroooooong and it makes me angry and really frustrated and did I tell you we finally bought bottles? Weeeeeeee, they're Advent and they're kind of cool and we weren't sure how many we were supposed to get so we only bought 3 and I know this isn't enough but how many do you need? I don't know but I'm guessing we'll find out, at least sooner or later and I'm hoping sooner but I'm nervous about hoping because every month for what seems like my entire life there's been a smidge of disappointment at the end of the month and I have no idea what I'm going to stress over when Emma's finally home but I've been thinking maybe I over think things, what do you think?

[breathing hard, can't catch breath]

Wine anyone?

It's like playing with fire

I've been tagged. Ha! Y'all are brave souls.

Six Fun Facts About Me?

• I have mammoth silicone breasts which I play with often.
• I have flashed my ta-ta's for Girls Gone Wild a total of a 102 times and I'm in every single video. You've seen me in their commercials, can you guess which one I am?
• I am the love child of Bob Dole.
• I often like to express myself through interpretive dance.
• I think deodorant is for wussies.
• My toenails are registered as "Lethal Weapons".

No? Come On! Where's the trust? Fine, fine...

• When I'm plugged into my iPod I sing at the top of my lungs forgetting my voice can send small woodland creatures within a 5 mile radius running for cover.
• I am completely and utterly addicted to the game "The Sims". I have versions one and two and have spent countless amounts of money to get all of the expansion packs. When I'm not playing, I fret they're lonely.
• I have complete conversations with myself where I ask and answer my own questions.
• If you were to come to my house you would think "what a nice tidy little home you have here", but beware of opening any closets.
• I have seen The Matrix at least 15 times.
• I have taught Walter to eat off of a fork.

Hmmmm, who to tag-who to tag...

1) Johnny who's already been tagged but apparently thinks he's too cool to answer. Peer pressure buddy.

2) And Hopeful Mommy because where are you? I miss you.

And I shall sign off with a picture of sweet Hollie, the seeker of warm yummies.

How could I forget?

Well that's an easy question, it's because it holds absolutely no significance at all. None - Zip - Nadda. It should, I'm not saying it shouldn't it just doesn't.

10m1dp.

And counting...

Man you guys make my heart sing!

I read your messages and can I say you guys just blew me away! If you're really interested in going to Ecuador with me let me know. The only down side right now is they're not exactly sure when the building will be finished, probably sometime this summer (fee's need to be paid to the Government officals -read bribes- for permits, etc.) We'll have a month or so lead time before going down.

I've got to tell you, I love the idea of a group of China a-parents going to Ecuador to make the world a little better for a group of special needs kids. What a statement that would make!

Write me at [email protected] if you want more details.

I love you guys!