My Crayon Box

When I was a young girl in Michigan, probably 4 or 5, I remember going to our local mall with my mom and seeing the KKK protesting in front of the entrance. I was too young at the time to know what they represented and my mother and I stayed in the car watching them as she explained to me for the first time what hate was. Later that night still sensing my confusion she pulled out the box that held my crayons and dumped them on the floor. She told me to look at them and when a moment passed she told me "all the wars, all the violence, all the hate in this world is for nothing more than the colors found in a crayon box." She then picked them up, except for one, and told me "imagine what the world would be like if this was the only color you saw?"  My first lesson in racial differences.

Over the years I surrounded myself with like minds and I take great pride in having friends from all spectrums' of life, all colors of skin, all religions, all financial brackets. My life has been made richer by these people; it grounds me and uplifts me. And while I've never tuned the world out of its violence and small minded ideology, I think I may have turned my head, choosing to focus on the beauty.

So as I've traveled down this road of IA and read more and more experiences I've found myself once again feeling confused, like the little girl sitting in a car watching the men preach hate and not fully understanding why.  Slowly, and terrifyingly, I'm beginning to understand that my methodology for living life may no longer be so simple.

You have to believe me when I tell you race never played a part of the decision when Mark and I chose to adopt. I knew with no thought whatsoever I could love a child of any race, from any country. Because I myself came from an "alternative" family my definition of the term has never been "nuclear" and as I mourned my infertility and ultimately let it go the fact that our family would be interracial seemed, and still does, right. I am intensely proud my daughter will be Chinese, how wonderful! And when I see us in my mind I celebrate the beautiful differences between her father and me and her. She will have long silky black hair and expressive almond shaped brown eyes and literally my heart leaps at the magnificence and poetry of it.

Now I wonder if I've lived my entire life sheltered. I'm slowly beginning to understand no matter how we raise our daughter, she will encounter hate and prejudice and I won't always be able to protect her. This overwhelms me with sadness and I'm not sure what to do about it? Is there anything that can be done about it? I can't take on the world, nor do I want my daughter to sense for a moment that because she's different there's something wrong, I want her to understand these differences make her beautiful - because they do.

I'm bracing for my world to become much smaller and much more hurtful than I've chosen it to be in the past and the weight of it is stifling. I'm disappointed that as a society we haven't moved past these petty differences, I'm surprised there are people who are still threatened somehow by the pigment of skin. How do I shelter my daughter?

Comments

[Johnny]

I think sitting in a car watching people expouse hate and talking about it....often, is a great way.

One of the things I'm hoping to avoid is to make our daughter paranoid that she'll be hated. But, the goal is when that time comes, she shrugs it off because she knows it's coming and says, "Next?".

A balance between cynicism and grace.

[Colleen]

These are the same worries I have all the time. The same thoughts as to how I will protect her! How will I explain to her that what someone just said to her is based on things that are out of her control?

Naively, I'm sure, I think to myself that I will instill in her such a pride, such a strong self-esteem that she won't be bothered as much by it. But sadly, I know this isn't reality.

[Jenny]

Steph,
I really enjoyed this post. All this week with the big NYT thing I have been thinking about this more and more and more and more. Making my head spin.

The way I think of it, though quite different is, kids suck and she will be made fun because she is there. I was tortured because of my name and a stupid speech thing. Though, I KNOW my experience isn't the same I will try to take and learn from my experiences and work with her to get through them. I hope to give her a balance when she is an adult. I dont know maybe it is my naivete, I am sure it is. I just want her to be happy

later-J

[Hopeful Mommy]

I love this post. You have expressed so many thoughts that I have been having lately. I tell my sons that people hate for so many reasons. I haven't used the crayon box concept, but I think your mother was brilliant to show that example to you and how very effective it was because the memory still lives within you. I remember people hating my mother because she was Native American and I was some little white child raised by an Indian. Those were very strong images in my own childhood. I can't sugarcoat it and just say love can fix everything, but you know, love is way more powerful than hate. Sure, these children will face many obstacles and hurtful people in their lives, but I am certain they will know they are loved and have a safe haven within their own home and family. We can't protect them from all the idiots in the world, but we can provide them with a loving home and family that will be there when they will feel hurt or defeated.

[Tracie]

I grew up and still live in the deep south. I have been taught a few lessons about racial differences too. Some lessons have been hard and some have been uplifting. I understand how thinking about racism and hatred aimed our children can be terrifying.Shift your lens a bit.

Have you experienced discrimination because of your gender? Are you careful about choices you make because you are a woman? Are you aware that there are benefits and dangers in life that you will experience because you are a woman? How did your mom prepare you for life as a woman? Did you give you all the info you needed for life? Did you expect her too?

Do you get where I am going with this? You have survived and hopefully enjoyed some of the wild ride of being a woman and so will your daughter. You can't protect her from everything. You can teach her well though. Self love and tolerance for others should be taught to all children regardless (or maybe because) of race or gender, right? You will do your best and hopefully your daughter will take paths that will make her life interesting but that will cause her little pain. The more you guide her the better her chances will hopefully. It's all any parent can do, regardless of how the family was started, right?

You do have different responsibilities to your child as an adoptive parent but I would offer up the concept that your responsibilities are just different, unique to interracial parenting, and not more difficult or numerous than any parent has to the person they have taken on to raise. Becoming a parent is really scary! It is hard to know what to prepare your kids for in an ever changing world. I trust if you are this concerned now that you are off to a pretty good start and will be a good teacher. You can't be her shield--not forever anyway. The best you can do is teach and encourage her to have a rich and happy life and to be a good and strong person. Hopefully she will be strong and wise and sensitive enough to survive any adversity she is faced with in her life and never feel shame or hatred.

[Tracy]

blogger ate my longer post I think, and reading all the other eloquent comments I htink it is best I just say that you mom is just neato.

[Dee]

Steph,

I'm not sure you can shelter your daughter from all of it. The unfortunate truth of it is, as I'm sure you know, that there will always be assholes out there. And some of them will hate her for no other reason than she is not just like them. I think the best we can do is to teach our daughters to be strong, to be proud of themselves, their heritages, and their beauty. And to not take shit from anyone. I'm sure you'll be great at teaching her all those things, especially that last part :)

[Spacemom]

Steph,

You can't shelter her from hate. I grew up in a sheltered life. We had one color in our town, we had one religion (Catholic and G-d forbid you weren't Catholic which I wasn't) and my first experience with other ethnicities was at COLLEGE.

I wish I had learned what you had earlier in my life.
I learned alot of hate that first year in college. My roomate was antisemetic. Now I have two Jewish daughters...

I think your goal as mom is to teach your children how to fight the hate. And to be proud of who you are....

[Sarah]

Honestly, Steph? You can't protect her from all the hate in the world. It will be hard and there will be times when she cries, but it will make her stronger. When she comes to you, just let her cry. It's all you can really do. She'll be ok in the end.
I know I was.