My Take

Yes, everything you guys said - and might I say said very well.

My first thought was "Ouch!" I found it downright stinging and it stayed with me for several days. My thoughts kept going back to it, repeating its words until I would finally give in and read it again searching for something I missed.

From a purely sociological view, I found it intensely interesting that the same article could conjure such radically differing opinions. Certainly the New York Times article wasn't perfect, as with all news pieces it was filled with flaws and was somewhat biased, but I didn't believe it to be damaging. However some of these women without question believed it racist slight of hand and it all seemed to be centered on one quote:

"With an African-American child we had no guarantee that the mother or a social worker wouldn't come and take the child away." McKenzie's mother, Maree Forbes, said. "With the children from China, we felt safe that there wouldn't be anyone to come back to get them."

Then all hell promptly broke loose.

First I'd like to ask what's wrong with "We felt safe that there wouldn't be anyone to come back to get them"? Why should I be made to feel guilty about not wanting the child I'm raising as my daughter taken away from me on the whim of a birthparent that's changed his/her mind? Closed-adoption is a heart gamble, our laws are not written for the adoptive parent, they're written for the birth parents and depending on what side you're on that's a great thing or a heart wrenching, soul crushing thing. If she thinks it's wrong to have a child taken away at birth, how does she feel about a 7 year old who is ripped from the only parents he/she's has ever known? Birth parents come back, we've all seen the pictures and we've heard the news stories, it happens. Open-adoption is an incredible experience and opportunity when it works, but let's be honest it's competitive and cut throat. There are also age restrictions and more emotional gambling as you hope the birth mother doesn't change her mind somewhere in the process. This may sound harsh, but absolutely I feel entitled the child I am raising as my own - be my own. I'm not a nanny, this is for keeps. So if that makes me "entitled and privileged", yep I am.

And on that comment of being "entitled and privileged", with a broad stroke of the author's pen she grouped, categorized and labeled every single one of us as upper-class, self-centered snobs which struck me ironic since the very act she was displaying is in and of itself elitist - and a little racist to boot.

I also wasn't too keen on her generalization that because I'm white I have no business raising an Asian child - or at least it should be my last resort. If I turned the tables and posted something along the lines of I don't think Caucasians should engage in relationships with Asians unless there's no other option. How do you suppose that would come across? What names would I be called and what opinions would you draw of me? Those who preach need to practice. I can and will raise the strongest woman I am able to raise and it wouldn't make a difference if she were Asian, African-American, Caucasian or Hispanic. Watch me.

But that's not saying I only took negativity from her Post. I think she eloquently expressed the importance of dealing with our children's loss and grief and set an example of the rage that can be harbored if ignored. I don't know this woman's background but I'm assuming since she's a grown woman she was adopted sometime in the 1970's. My guess is the rules of engagement with IA have changed dramatically in the last 30 years. We know more now, it's as simple as that and her experience won't be our experience, I'll make damn sure of it.

I think that was the first time I've dealt with racism directed towards me as a specific group.

Comments

[Perrin]

I have read many pieces by Korean adoptees who are indeed bitter and seem unhappy and it is painful as an adoptive parent to witness. Most parents do indeed want to raise happy children who turn into primarily happy adults. I have often asked myself, what did those parents who adopted Korean children in the 60's and 70's do differently than what my husband and I are doing now? (And there are concrete things.) My suspicion is that those parents weren't horrible or all that different from me. This is where it cuts and hurts. I think dialogue like this where we listen to adoptees who are now adults serves to make us more enlightened adoptive families in the next generation. I'm not saying I LIKE reading pieces like this from adult asian adoptees, but it does make me aware and think about how my daughter will be raised.

[Johnny]

One of the things I wondered was could you compare Korean and Chinese adoptions and consider them equal?

Yes, someone will be enraged and say that adoption is adoption. However, the cirumstances of each country is different. Whereas I find it amazing that adopted Korean kids can find records which come close to describing their birth families, as we know, our kids weren't exactly found with a "return address".

My daughter was found in a box outside the gates of the city park. I'll have to tell her that one day...then slowly go backwards and try to guess what happened to lead to that case.

I guess in 15 years, we'll see the Chinese wave and find out how that compares.

[Jacquie]

Well said Steph!

[Jenny]

I really appreciated you posting the last entry. It got me thinking. We have alot of responsibility and these types of stories really help to show us what a big job we have ahead of us.

But, I can't wait for the job of parenting to begin!

I agree with your take on it and I definately hope we have better experiences.

[Tracy]

Thanks for your post. You pretty much summed up several things I was thinking too.

Also on her blog she made a list somewhere of wounds from adoption that she feels will never heal. I am glad I read them so that I can be more aware of the wounds my daughter might struggle with. I can't wipe them away, but I can learn and empathize.

PS. Thanks Johnny for the link to the other blog with yet another view.

[Dee]

"Why should I be made to feel guilty about not wanting the child I'm raising as my daughter taken away from me on the whim of a birthparent that's changed his/her mind?"

Oh Thank God! someone finally had the nerve and the eloquence to say it. No one wants to admit it, but I suspect that this plays a huge role in why so many adopt from China. Is it so wrong to want that small sense of security in such an huge undertaking of unknowns? It doesn't mean, as the blog author implies, that we don't respect the birthparents, or that we don't wish we could provide our children with the missing details of their lives before us, or even that we wouldn't welcome contact with a birth family.

The experiences, both positive and negative, of the Korean adult adopotees are vital and probably should be required reading for those planning an IA. But we also have to realize that resources and attitudes about these issues have changed. Circumstances are different. With luck and a lot of effort, I hope we can address these issues more effectively with our children.

[Spacemom]

Steph-

I haven't got any comments right now. You've put out alot to think about... And I am thinking....