Emma-Bug

First, to those of you who are in a walking nightmare that is The Lost Referrals, please know I'm thinking about you. This has sent a chill down the spine of every waiting family out here. Let's hope they're finding out what the hell happened to make sure it never happens again!

[cover your ears pissiness ahead] I'm sorry but I have to ask once again - Dear GW: Who pissed off the CCAA and what the hell are you planning to do about it? Hunh? Someone better be making nice! Pronto!

Today's Post should be titled "Sucks Ass", I went daycare hunting today. As God as my witness I don't want to ever do that again. Sucked. Big. Ass. Let's begin with the obvious, I don't know my daughter's birthday or age - it makes for some challenging conversation. Now let's add in awkward glances at my abdomen and we're talking a mighty fine time. Once again I found myself engaged in 20 minute explanations about international adoption and spectating what I like to refer to as "goat eyes", you know the sort of blank stare, usually accompanied by the head-bob in a pseudo "I understand" maneuver? Sucked!

Choice No. 1: The BIG Christian School:  Loved it, loved the location, loved the people, loved the uniforms of the older kids. It even smelled like my old preschool (and yes I do remember how my preschool smelled, just like The Big Christian School). Ok, neither Mark or I are Christian, but as I see it faith is what's important, semantics can be worked out later. Plus I only need a place to put her in until she's 4 then I'm putting her in the progressive, zen-like, ahhh-ahhhh, ahhh school.

Suck Factor No. 1:  They don't accept children under 30 months old. They could have told me that within the first 30 seconds, but where's the fun in that?

Choice No. 2: The Catholic Church Down the Street: Loved it, loved the location even more, loved the people - super kind and warm and it just looked fun. Mark's family is Catholic so they'd pee their pants over this one.

Suck Factor No. 2:  They don't accept children under 18 months old. Damn it!

Choice No. 3: The Non-Denominational Foo-Foo Place Down the Street: This place is seriously mil-i-tant, as in STRUCTURED TO THE RAFTERS PEOPLE. I thought I wanted structure, I even said to myself "the two most important things I'm looking for are diversity and structure" but it's one thing to say it and another thing to experience it. STRUCTURED! They do have the super cool Kindercams so I could watch the classroom during the day (as opposed to Blogging or actually working) and they have direct telephone lines into the baby rooms so I can call psychotically 25-35 times a day to check up on my little baby-kins. And literally it is so close to my office, only 2.5 minutes away, I could be there for lunch every single day. It has four (4) playgrounds, each with its own age appropriate playground equipment AND they have a cafeteria. They don't just whip out some Goldfish for snacks, no they have an actual full sized commercial kitchen - with a chef - and a nutritionist! But the STRUCTURE thing freaks me out a bit. I wanted the hippie daycare, I think I got the "high and tight" republican daycare.

Suck Factor No. 3:  STRUCTURE,  DISCIPLINE, HONOR. ON YOUR KNEES MONKEY! That and the cost, it's a little steep, I might have to sell any extra organs I have laying around. You gonna use that spleen?

There's also a waiting list with, and this pisses me off, a $50 application fee to get on the list (Read: Bribe) (although they said they can ALMOST guarantee a spot for start on September 18th).

Gah - I don't know what to do! When it comes to my kid, I suck at making decisions.

Notify CBS

For the most part I choose not to talk about the adoption, the fewer questions and update requests at this point, the better. But occasionally when someone seems genuinely interested, coworkers and such, I'll give them the low down and we'll have what I think is an honest conversation. But lately I've been noticing that some of the people I've talked with were apparently hearing static instead of my voice because they've come and asked the same questions or not remembered a word I said. So in the spirit that is me, I've decided from now on I'm doing what I'm best at; sarcasm. No more compassionate, earnest talking. Screw that.

When people ask me about the adoption process I'm going to start saying the Chinese have elected to introduce a new program, Survivor Adoption. They're going to drop our assess off somewhere in Mongolia and break us into tribes based on DTC month. No Adoption Agencies are allowed to participate, it will just be a gaggle of woman chanting the Survivor Adoption Mantra, "What the fuck?" while pumping their fists in the air over and over. 

That whole "quota" thing established by the CCAA still stands, but they're no longer involved. No, from now on it's tribe against tribe to find the clues and win the "challenges":

• Challenge Number 1:  Perform a task, any task, which would require focus. These tasks can be but are not limited to working a job, balancing a checkbook, paying bills on time or simply grocery shopping without forgetting a minimum of 2 items.
• Challenge Number 2:  There will be huge platters of varying shapes and sizes loaded with pasta, cakes and chocolate everywhere you turn, but you have to lose a minimum of 3 lbs a week.
• Challenge Number 3:  While you will have internet access you are not allowed to go online for a full 24 hour period. During this time there will be planted rumors which will be hurled at you from all directions.

Anyone who says it's "God's plan", "Your baby isn't ready for you yet", "Well you've waited this long" or has more than one ladybug item on, be it jewelry or clothing, is immediately eliminated. Not at tribal council because let's face it, we're bitter bitches and that lame ass shit isn't going to fly with us. We get to throw rotten, moldy fruit at them while they walk down The Path of Sanctimonious Assholes. The rule will be, "she who's optimistic gets it!" There's no room for optimism here in Survivor Adoption, we're wallowing in the pit of despair, happy will get you hurt.

The tribe who wins will immediately get their Referrals and will be shipped off to Beijing and become tourists. The losing tribe must compete with the next tribe in line, but will have a little bit of a "leg up" as they are familiar with the "Course", only seems fair.

Oh, and the cost? None of your damn business.

Well it's official, my Agency is expecting 90 Referrals this month which takes them through....

Are you ready?

Brace yourself.

May 17th.

Just like April, May will take 3 months to complete; six months to process 60 days.

So explain to me how the CCAA is going to keep to their 12 months from LID to Referral time frame?

Right now I could weave a tapestry of profanity that would cover the entire State of Texas.

Fuck! Me!

This will be my most boring Post to date.

I found clothes for Emma-Bug I actually like y'all!

And look at the detail. The little pink plaid dress has vintage buttons!

The cuteness - it's making me weak!

It's long been my suspicion that David Duchovny has the power to heal and I believe I now have concrete evidence to prove it. As it turns out The X-Files and Indian food sooth the soul, who knew it was such a potent combination? So I'm adding it to my list of lemon meringue pie and Doritos as adoption angst band-aids, I should probably add a sidebar listing these miraculous wonders. Certainly stock should be purchased.

Excuse me while I take a moment to ponder David....

Ahhhhh, yes. Much better.

So how am I feeling? Why thank you for asking, I'm all over the place! For example just today I was thinking "MY GOD 4 1/2 to 5 months, why don't you just pluck my eyeballs out right now" and five minutes later "JUST 4 1/2 to 5 months MY GOD!." It's too bad I can't record the internal dialog, it's so psychotic it would without question frighten 'The Normals'.

Many moons ago I had a pretty firm grasp on my emotions, now I'm a weeping, cranky, pissy bag of poo. Everyone should take a moment and pity my husband because I'm pretty sure he didn't sign up for me losing my shit at any given moment on a whim. What's super funny, in an ironic sort of way, is that it'll hit me like I've just run into a wall and WHAM I'm Ms. Hyde. It's been oodles of fun. Really if we can make it through this with our relationship intact and no harm has come to....let's say the asshole who cuts in front of me at the grocery store checkout, I think we can call it a success and handled well.

I was thinking earlier about what it's going to be like to come back to these Posts someday, when my daughter is home and adjusted and we're living with some semblance of normalcy? Will I laugh, will I be embarrassed or will I look back at this time fondly in a "holy shit woman!" sort of way? I'm glad I'm keeping a record of this part of the journey. I know a lot of people don't want to remember it, but this has been such an odd time and I know I won't recall it accurately. My new goal is to TRY and laugh at my psychosis because HOLY MOTHER OF GOD this is the most wack I've ever been.

So in closing I'd like to leave you with this horror. Sometimes I just wish I would leave the search for unique baby clothes alone because...JEEE-ZUS!

Anyone else thinking JonBenet Ramsey here?

This I know, adoption conjures the most irrational emotions. From a distance it would appear there is no process whatsoever, only random chaos. There's no rhyme or reason, no predictability, no certainty and no absolutes. What we're left with is a bunch of rumors and inconsistencies and no thing or person to blame. We're not tethered to anything.

At least when I was dealing with infertility I could blame something, my busted ass body. I could then plummet into a pool of self loathing and fear. Unhealthy? Abso-fucking-lutely! But at least it was something. With adoption who can I blame for the emotional duress? My agency? I'm not a big fan but even I have to contend there's no fault by them, at times distinct immaturity and a lack of professionalism, but no fault for the continued, never-ending delays. The CCAA? Can I blame them? Well sure, but it's distinctly unPC to do it. Plus I don't know what direction they've been given or what hurdles they've been asked to overcome. It's a State run system, everything is on a "need to know basis" and it would appear they don't feel I need to know.

I'm feeling very, very sorry for myself this evening.

And while I know eventually a Referral will be sent, it doesn't make a lick of difference right now. Right now, it's a lifetime away. On the way home tonight I began to cry. Not just tear up, but big, heavy tears running down my face. I haven't done that since the ole busted ass body days and I kept telling myself "even if they just processed the rest of May and continue their two week Referral streak, you'll get your Referral in May - two months, you just have to get through two more months." It didn't help. I went upstairs and closed Emma's door. I closed her door! It makes me cry to even type that.

And we have the flip side of the coin, to feel a wee bit of relief that I have some more time. Yeah, that's fucked up! I can't even begin to explain how I can cry great big, fat tears of disappointment and feel a little relieved all at the same time. It's wrong I tell you, wrong! Or maybe it's that I just want this to end. I don't know anymore, too many emotions swirling to get a good grasp on what's happening.

In the past my test on worth was to ask myself "given everything I know now, would I do it again?" Certainly I could have never prepared myself for how difficult the wait to Referral would be, I don't think you can comprehend it until you're wallowing in it, and I still feel that China is the best program of all the IA programs. But right now, oh Man it's tough, there are times I just want to run as fast I can away from all this. I know that makes me a terrible, weak person, but it's true.

Wait! There it is, the familiar self loathing of yore, such a familiar place to be.

If x = the current Referral rumor of two weeks processed, and

If y = my LID date, and

if t = my current state of mind

THEN...

5(2y+2/3)(8/10t - y)+4x-t =

Fucked for an April Referral

That "oh-so-sure-this-is-a-intricate-hallucination" feeling is dissipating and the reality that I am finally going to be a Mommy, after all this time, has finally begun to sink in. I think what's surprised me the most is the realization that what has been weighing me down is not the thought of being a Mommy, but the terror of the unknown. What path is before us? But I've discovered knowing where all the anxiety, fear and self doubt are rooted has eased the burden somewhat.

I'm going to have to let go and just take the ride on whatever trip I'm meant to take. I have to believe that this surety that I'm on the right path is correct and trust whatever happens, is happening for a reason. A difficult and daunting task for a "planner" -" I keep my Franklin Covey with me at all times" - "I don't do spontaneous" uber anal retentive gal like me, but if I intend to keep my sanity, not just during the wait (and weight) but when I bring my little one home, I'm afraid it's a lesson that must be learned and better now than later.

So as I sit here on a lovely, but very cold Sunday evening, it's occurred to me I've been very vocal on my Blog about what I don't want (no Barney or those creepy worm-like things, etc. etc. etc.) but I've never really put down what I want for my girl. To be honest I'm not sure I've ever really thought it through, I mean how could I ponder this when I was trying to figure out why I was having full frontal freak outs while trying to buy a blue ball sucker thingie? Nope, I was being too self absorbed - another epiphany moment, hey! It's not about me! Can you imagine?!

So this one is for Emma, my daughter (MY DAUGHTER!). Baby girl if I can teach you these things, I will consider myself a successful Mommy:

• Find your voice and hold on to it with everything you have. When you get older you'll discover it's one of the few things that's truly yours.
• Life is cyclical if you find the same issue comes up over and over again chances are it's because you haven't learned the lesson you were supposed to. Remember these lessons are precious gifts and will separate you from the sleepwalkers
• One day you will find yourself in love, remember that you can give your thoughts, you can give your heart and when the time is right you can even give your body, but never, ever give your power.
• Remember what Buddha said "Believe nothing, no matter where you read it or who has said it, not even if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense". Trust your instincts baby girl.
• Don't be afraid to walk against the grain. Change happens because one person had the strength to buck the system and push the envelope.
• Remember there's great beauty all around you, even in pain. Sometimes you just have to look a little harder.
• Try to approach things from many angles, see things for what they are and never allow yourself to get in a rut.
• Remember that people who purposefully cause pain or hurt are merely afraid. They're unable to see the beauty of diversity, be it in aesthetics or thought. If you can internalize this, those hurtful words won't seem so personal.
• It's ok to dislike someone, but it's never acceptable to purposely hurt someone.
• Be kind and compassionate to all living things.
• Fear will cripple you.
• Forgiving heals.
• Laugh at yourself. Being human means making mistakes, see them for what they are - an opportunity to learn.
• Be able to sit quietly with yourself.
• Arrogance is a manifestation of insecurity, not confidence.
• Be humble, but not weak.
• Do something new as often as you can. If you find you don't like it, that's fine, at least you can say you tried.
• Travel the world as often as you can. Open yourself to a wider reality.
• No matter what you decide to do for a career, never let it define who you are.
• When you grow up, don't wear Christmas sweaters or you'll force your Mommy to mock you.
• And, remember that we will always be here to protect you and support you.

*Updated*

I can't post until Referrals come in and I can assess to what degree of freaking out I need to be at.

As a sidebar comment - I'D LIKE MY LIFE BACK! I WANT TO BE NORMAL AGAIN!

Thank you,

Management

You guys are the best! But I truly don't think my Referral will come this month. No, my concern is the QUANTITY of Referrals coming in. The way I see it they will either do a full month - or one week (my Agency has 100 dossiers logged in the May 17th alone!) and I think this next round will set the tone for those of us still loitering out here.

The Magic Eight Ball has been ADAMANT that my Referral will come in April and not March. How can I argue with the Ball? Dude you can't fight the ball! Embrace the ball! Come on, touch it...

Taking a Black Ball of Fate to the Face

Being a woman who's drawn to science and logic, I thought it time I get in the Referral rumor game. After much consideration and thought on how to approach this daunting task and which of my many skills that do not require the application of lip gloss I would depend upon, I believe I've come up with the most logical and thought conscience option.

I'm bellying-up to the Magic Eight Ball sitting on my desk.

According this time tested, wise and all knowing tool my Referral will not be coming in March, but will in fact arrive in April.

Can you feel the power? Spread your arms and bask in it's awesomeness People.