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January 20, 2010



That is great that she is processing this. G has had some great questions herself. Funny when I have tried to discuss G's own adoption processing with some local A-moms (just descriptive term here) I get accused of putting thoughts in her mind (even from my own family) about adoption etc saying their daughters never talk about it or think about it. Let's hope you don't get those accusations. I think they are honest questions from children trying to make sense of their life.

Keep up the great discussions, reassurings and parenting of your child!


It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job so far. I can't speak to the issues regarding adopting a child of a different race(and I don't think this post was aimed at that particular issue either), but I can speak from the perspective of an adopted child. My parents told me that my birthmother loved us(me and my twin sister) but that she couldn't care for us and they were so lucky that she chose them to be our mom and dad. I felt incredibly lucky growing up. Not lucky in a my-parents-saved-me kind of way. But lucky in a lot of people loved me kind of way, and wasn't it cool that I had another "mom" out there somewhere thinking about me. I use the word "mom" loosely, because my parents are the only parents I do/will ever have. I think of my birthmom fondly. I don't relate to the angry adoptees at all. I understand their points of view but I don't relate. Adoption was(and is) a wonderful thing to me. I think about finding my birth family often, and it's the one thing I will grieve for my child, since it is likely she won't have that choice. I commend you for allowing Emma to work through her identity issues in her own way. As supportive as my parents were about letting me know how loved I was, sometimes their fear kept them from allowing us to ask all of the questions we wanted. I found out after my Mom died that she was terrified I would look for my birthmother and love her more than I did her. That seems a ridiculous thing to fear to me, but I understand the place that fear came from. Maybe that is one of the reasons I resist looking for my birth family. Even though she's been gone for 13 years I don't want to hurt her memory or my family.


that is amazing.

We are just starting to introduce it, although the girls know we adopted them from vietnam and took 5 flights etc. etc..they haven't made the connection of the mommy thing yet.

but I really wish we were where you are, that's incredible.

joann in nj

I am exactly where you are emotionally. I know Kelsey hasn't put it together yet...BUT it's coming...we play "born in your tummy" quite often and she's pops out from under my shirt and I exclaim how beautiful she is..

And I totally agree with you about the sisterhood. Feminism is all about CHOICE...whatever you want to do with this life, its your right to go for it. Whether it's becoming President of the US or a supermodel. My girlie IS girlie and I am raising her to be a nice person...and she takes dance and wants to be a vet to help sick animals...and if she gets there, she'll do it in a pink smock....and I'll be cheering every step of the way.

I'm an older Mom (I'm almost 50) and no youngun' can say that what I fought for in the 70's and 80's in college didn't count..because it did. I'm a successful businesswoman who chose to be a Mom and loved her time as a SAHM because I got to experience my daughter in a way I've never been able to before. That's a choice and very powerful.

Sorry to hijack your comments, but I completely adore you!

Julie P

Wow - I've been a lurker for a while, but if I may oh s--t! My daughter is 3 - I keep waiting for the questions and the processing and I wait with fear and hope. I so feel your mixed emotions on this - thank-you for putting it into words so eloquently. Sounds to me like you're doing a great job letting Emma process as she needs to.


My two daughters are adopted domestically and for the life of me i dont know how to get started with this. I sometimes mention it but i get no response or understanding and i dont want to blow it up out of proportion. The older one is 3.5 - any idea how I get started on this?

Stephanie V

Hi Maggie, I tried to email you but it bounced back. I hope you get this!

There is a wonderful, positive book out there titled "Talking to Young Children about Adoption" by Mary Watkins. Unlike so many adoption parenting books, it's positive and loving and chock full of research countering the trend of a couple years back that your adopted child is doooooooooooooomed.


thank you stephanie - i know i cant get into that email address cuz i forgot the password and i am too lazy to try to find it. i will find that book cuz i am really at a loss -- btw, your daughter is too cute and you have a great blog - i am glad you started writing again!


Wow, it sounds like you are taking her fears and reassuring her that they won't happen. That is a great step! The fact that you stay calm while she asks will help too!

Hang in there... I still think boyfriends are going to be scarier than anything else!


Wow, what a process. Amazing, wonderful, terrifying.

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